INT. MAUDE'S HOUSE - MID-MORNING
Maude lives in a kitsch cottage. It has all the trappings of a cottage from the 1950’s but with a strange modern vibe. There are paintings of the Virgin Mary in every room. In the lounge there is almost a shrine to her. The sofas all have plastic covers on them and everything is pristine. Maude is dressed in muted pastels. Her cardigan is the same pale blue of the Virgin’s robes. Maude’s clothes are well starched; barely any flesh showing, even her sleeves are longer than normal so only the finger tips show. She wears a long, tight skirt of a formal brown with sensible shoes. She looks attractive but fragile.
She is packing a suitcase. Everything has been meticulously folded and fitted into the suitcase perfectly. She is slow and fastidious. There is another bag full of cleaning bottles and scrubbing brushes; pairs and pairs of rubber gloves; surgical gloves and a large roll of black plastic bags. Maude packs a few more items and looks at her watch. She packs a few more then looks at her clock.
MAUDE: Have I done the right thing? I don’t know. Is it too late to back out?
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE MEETING ROOM - AFTERNOON
CAPTION: TWO DAYS BEFORE
There is a meeting dragging on. Everyone’s face is showing signs of despair and boredom. Maude is diligently awake, but she is annoyed. Dennis is staring at Maude.
The meeting finishes. Bob, the manager, looks at his watch.
BOB: Think I’ve bored you enough. It’s time for a break, and as it’s home time we can sod off to the pub. My shout, everyone!
DENNIS (To Maude): Most sensible thing he’s said all day.
Maude looks at him with surprise, as it's the first time she’s seen Dennis and he’s an alien.
MAUDE (unsure of herself): Show me the way to the pub?
CUT TO:
INT. PUB - MID AFTERNOON
Maude is being talked at. She looks uncomfortable but tries to smile.
DENNIS: So I took a drink when they did. But whilst they were drinking beer I was knocking back whisky! Anyway, I went to the loo; fell asleep! Woke up about two in the morning and the coach had gone!
MAUDE (gasp): What did you do?
DENNIS: Cadged a ride in a taxi with one of the managers who was having it off with one of their temps! The ride was awkward but I got home alright.
Maude rubs her wrist just above the hemline of her cardigan. She then takes a drink from her orange juice, but she presses the glass to her top lip, then bottom lip before drinking. Dennis watches intently. Maude looks up and blushes.
MAUDE (sternly): I don’t like being stared at. Why are you staring at me?
DENNIS: I thought I was the only one that did things like that…
MAUDE: Like what?
DENNIS: What you did with the glass. It’s OCD… Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
MAUDE: There’s nothing wrong with me! I’m not obsessive; I don’t have a disorder and I definitely am NOT compulsive!
DENNIS: Look, it’s alright. I’m just the same. I drive my family to distraction with my OCD. I understand, it’s alright.
Maude looks at Dennis, looks at her sleeve. She smiles weakly.
CUT TO:
INT. MAUDE'S COTTAGE - MID MORNING
MAUDE: Maybe it will be alright. I just wish he would be on time!
CUT TO:
INT. DENNIS’S HOUSE - MID-MORNING
Dennis is standing in front of his full length, ornate mirror. There are three mirrors in his bedroom. One on each wall. On the double bed are various changes of clothes. Several different combinations of trousers, jeans, chinos and slacks. Lots of shirts of different colors and styles. Dennis constantly holds different shirts to different trouser combinations in the mirror and can not make up his mind. There is a large toiletries bag on the bed, next to a large suitcase. Inside the toiletries bag are lots of bottles of conditioner, skin creams, hair gel, moisturizer.
Dennis looks at the clock. He looks at his watch and curses. He carefully packs his clothes into his suitcase. It won’t close. He opens it again and unpacks the shirts and trousers.
DENNIS: Four days… How do I know I’ve packed enough? Do I pack a back-up suitcase, just in case? Is Maude really going to appreciate what I bring to the table?
CUT TO:
INT. PUB - MID AFTERNOON
FLASHBACK
Dennis and Maude, sitting in the pub.
MAUDE: You’re quite funny.
DENNIS: Faint praise, indeed.
MAUDE: Don’t be unkind. I don’t know whether I like you or not, yet.
DENNIS: I’ve got some chance, then. (winks)
MAUDE: I don’t know what you mean.
DENNIS (laughs): You can’t get out much then.
MAUDE: I don’t… At all… Do you?
DENNIS: Not really… I talk a good game, but I don’t like going out much… Not really.
MAUDE: We’re a pair.
Maude takes a drink from her orange juice and looks at Dennis. She looks down at her glass again.
MAUDE: Dennis. I want to ask you something. I can’t quite believe I’m going to ask you this. But I’m very serious. And I want you to think about it.
Dennis looks at Maude and tries not to get himself excited.
MAUDE: I have bought a camper van. I want to test it out but I’m nervous to drive it on my own.
DENNIS: How did you manage to get a camper van? Aren’t they fucking expensive?
MAUDE: Please don’t swear in front of me. I came into some money recently.
Dennis smiles at this.
MAUDE: My parents died in a car crash.
Dennis immediately frowns.
DENNIS: Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.
MAUDE: I’m not. They didn’t understand me. They thought I was a fastidious freak… Anyway. I have this camper van now. And I would like you to travel with me.
CUT TO:
INT. DENNIS'S BEDROOM - MID MORNING
Dennis closes the suitcase and takes one more look in the mirror.
DENNIS: Get in there, my son.
CUT TO:
INT. MAUDE'S CAMPERVAN - AFTERNOON
Maude is driving the campervan. Her seat is pressed very close to the steering wheel so she is not level with Dennis’s seat, which is more relaxed. Both seats have plastic covers and Dennis has a hard time from slipping off them. Dennis reaches to turn on the radio.
MAUDE: Please don’t touch that.
DENNIS: Don’t you want the radio on?
MAUDE: No. I don’t. But I also don’t think you’ve washed your hands. I don’t want you to touch things until you’ve washed your hands.
DENNIS: I’ve touched the door handle and the seat though.
MAUDE: I know about those places. I can wipe them down. If you want to touch other places then there are wet-wipes in the glove department.
Dennis opens the glove compartment. There are four packets of large wet wipes. He takes one out and wipes his hands. There’s also a car safety hammer.
MAUDE: Now wipe the glove compartment handle and the radio switch.
Dennis does so and looks around.
DENNIS: Where shall I throw the used wet wipes?
MAUDE: Wet wipes? More than one? (sigh) You’ll have to put them in your pocket.
DENNIS: Don’t you have a bin or something?
MAUDE: Yes. But they’re for me.
DENNIS: You have more than one?
MAUDE: But of course. One for paper and card. One for plastics. One for glass. One for vegetable food waste.
DENNIS: What about one for bones and skin? Don’t you eat meat?
Maude looks at Dennis askew, still driving, and blanches.
CUT TO:
INT. MAUDE'S CAMPER VAN - AFTERNOON
Maude is still driving. Dennis is staring out of the window. Every so often he sniffs.
MAUDE: Please stop doing that.
DENNIS: Breathing?
MAUDE: Don’t be flippant.
DENNIS: There’s a funny smell. I can’t put my finger on it, but it's strong.
MAUDE: it’s Dettol. Though I’m surprised you can smell it with all that aftershave on.
DENNIS: Don’t you like it? I wore it for you.
MAUDE: I wish you hadn’t.
CUT TO:
INT. MAUDE'S CAMPER VAN - AFTERNOON
DENNIS: You look tired. Did you want me to drive?
MAUDE: You’re not driving my camper van.
DENNIS: Would you rather pull into a service station and intermingle with all the other people and their dirty ways?
MAUDE: Ok…but you’re wearing gloves first.
DENNIS: I’m not wearing…
CUT TO:
Dennis is sitting at the driving wheel of the camper van, wearing surgical gloves. It’s raining hard outside and the windscreen wipers are doing their best to keep up.The camper van suddenly starts juddering.
MAUDE: What have you done now? What have you touched?
DENNIS: Why do you think it was me?
MAUDE: Well, it wasn’t happening whilst I was driving.
Dennis looks at the petrol gauge. Taps it. Taps it again.
DENNIS: We’re out of fucking petrol. You know that, don’t you?
MAUDE: No, I didn’t. And it won’t make it better by tapping it like that.
DENNIS: No. I do know that.
MAUDE: So why do it? It’s annoying…
DENNIS: Do you actually hear yourself? I mean, you are aware that we’re stuck out in the middle of nowhere.
The camper van cuts out and Dennis has the foresight to pull into a makeshift lay-by.
DENNIS: Well, that’s fucking brilliant!
MAUDE: Would you please stop swearing. I don’t know why you’re trying to make it sound as if it's my fault.
DENNIS: You are aware of the internal combustion engine? That it relies on petrol to function?
MAUDE: I thought it beeped at you.
DENNIS: I’ll fucking beep at you…
MAUDE: Stop swearing! Stop swearing! I want you to STOP SWEARING! (sighs) Look. You need to find a way to fix this.
Dennis states at Maude. He looks outside at the torrential rain and then at Maude.
DENNIS: I need to fix this? Why do I need to fix it? What’s in it for me?
MAUDE: What do you want?
DENNIS: What do you think I want?
MAUDE (pauses): No. That’s sacrilegious. I couldn’t abide you to touch me like that. I just couldn’t.
DENNIS (sighs): If it was just that then I wouldn’t have put up with all this… It’s not just sex either. I do like you… I think… and I think you like me… kinda… I think. Anyway, we won’t go all the way; you have my word.
Maude looks at him with disgust.
DENNIS: Look, let’s make this even simpler. I go. I walk out. Get a lift from someone. Leave you alone. In the dark. In the rain. ALONE. Understand?
Maude looks at Dennis with contempt now.
DENNIS: Or I go walkabout with a petrol can. Find a petrol station. Walk back, in the rain and save your precious camper van. And you show me a little kindness for my troubles. What’s it to be?
Maude nods her head.
MAUDE: I don’t have a spare petrol can.
DENNIS: Of course you don’t. But apart from that, you agree?
Maude nods her head. Dennis smiles and undoes his seat belt. He opens the door and turns to Maude.
DENNIS: Keep the humming in your hummus, babe. I’ll be back before you know it.
CUT TO:
EXT. LAYBY - LATE AFTERNOON
Dennis jumps out of the camper van. He lands on the waterlogged, muddy ground and slips down a slope into a puddle.
CUT TO:
INT. CAMPER VAN - LATE AFTERNOON
Maude stares out of the windscreen.
MAUDE: Bloody idiot.
Maude opens the glove compartment and takes out the safety hammer.
CUT TO:
EXT. CAMPER VAN IN LAY-BY - EARLY EVENING
Dennis trudges back with two full petrol cans. It’s dark outside now. It’s still raining and he is thoroughly drenched. Dennis opens the petrol compartment and pours the contents into the camper van.
CUT TO:
INT. CAMPER VAN - EARLY EVENING
Maude is standing in the small kitchen, chopping vegetables with a sharp knife. She can hear Dennis swearing and making noise topping up the petrol. The door to the camper van opens and Dennis is about to step in.
MAUDE: What do you think you’re doing?!
DENNIS: What?
MAUDE: You’re not coming in here like that!
DENNIS: Jesus!! You’re kidding, right?
Maude just stares at him sternly.
DENNIS: What am I going to do then?
MAUDE: That’s up to you. You should have thought of that before you left.
DENNIS: I just walked four miles to the petrol station. I filled up two heavy cans. Paid for them and the petrol out of my own money, and thanks for that as well. AND I walked back four miles IN THE POURING RAIN!
MAUDE: I am grateful. That is why I have been cooking for you since you’ve been gone. And I would appreciate it if you did not shout.
DENNIS (sighs. Takes a deep breath): Look I don’t want to argue out here. I’m muddy enough. If you pass me a couple of those plastic sacks I can put the muddy clothes in them. Would that be acceptable?
MAUDE: Only if you leave your shoes outside.
DENNIS: Ok, they’re ruined anyway… They were my favourite shoes as well…
Maude is no longer listening. She throws three black plastic sacks at Dennis. Dennis strips sheepishly in front of Maud. Maud does not look, she is intent on chopping the vegetables. The meal is to be a selection of homemade vegetables and dips. Dennis looks at them and turns his nose up. Dennis has boxer shorts on and is now choosing something to wear.
DENNIS: It’s cold out there. I thought we were going to have something hot.
MAUDE: I’m not going to stink the place out with cooking, thank you.
Dennis is holding up different shirts to his body and looking at himself in the mirror. He does this a few times.
MAUDE: Just pick one goddammit!
DENNIS: You can’t rush these things, my dear.
At the word ‘dear’ there is a visible tic in Maude’s eye. It starts slow but starts to grow. The sounds of her chopping become more pronounced now.
CUT TO:
During the meal they sit in silence. Maude tries not to look at Dennis. When she finally does she can see him stare at her. The flutter in her eye increases.
CUT TO:
Later the meal is over. Dennis tries washing and drying up. Maude sits on the couch in the corner and seethes. Maude gets up, rips the dishcloth out of Dennis’s hands and starts everything from scratch.
CUT TO:
INT. CAMPER VAN - NIGHT
Outside it is still raining. The camper van rocks through the gusts of wind.
DENNIS: I’m so glad I got the petrol when I did, eh?
MAUDE (Sarcastically): Yes, yes… You’re very clever. I don’t know what I would have done without you… Make the damn move, won’t you?! Why don’t you make the move? Why do you think I’m just sitting here?
Dennis sits bolt upright.
DENNIS: Hang on now, darling. Don’t be like that. You can’t rush things.
MAUDE: Don’t call me darling. And I thought it was the only thing you were any good at…
DENNIS: I beg your pardon?
MAUDE: You have a reputation. I wanted to take advantage of that reputation. I wanted to see what it was like… sex, I mean. I thought it was the only thing you were good at.
DENNIS: You’re kidding me… I hate to break it to you, Maude. It’s just that, a reputation. It’s amazing how little sleight of hand it takes to create a reputation. That’s why I really wanted to be with you; I thought you were different.
Maude is taken aback by this. She looks at Dennis and sees vulnerability. She relaxes a bit.
MAUDE: I’m sorry. I’m on edge and shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I think it would mean more if you… take me like this. Please.
Maude motions to Dennis. Dennis gets up and walks over. He sits down nervously next to Maud. Maude stiffens up immediately. Dennis puts his hand tentatively on Maude's leg and she slaps him.
DENNIS: What the hell?
MAUDE: I’m sorry! You took me off guard; I’ve never done this kind of thing before.
Dennis leans in closer only for Maude to lean back. Dennis pushes closer and tries to kiss Maude. Maude slaps him much harder now Dennis slips off the plastic covers onto the floor.
DENNIS: What the?!
MAUDE: I’m sorry! Really…. I do want this, but you just need to be patient with me.
DENNIS: Patient?
MAUDE: Would it help if we just got undressed and went straight into it?
DENNIS: Yeah; right – I need to be a bit more aroused before that, you know?
MAUDE: What can I do about that?
DENNIS: Seriously??
MAUDE (with disgust): You want me to touch it!
DENNIS: What else you going to do? Suck it?
Maud dry retches. Dennis sighs
DENNIS: Let’s try it again… just try not to hit me this time.
Dennis places his hand on her thigh, leans in and kisses her. Maude starts to tremble. She places her hand on his shoulder. Dennis kisses Maude deeper. Maude bites down and then slaps him.
DENNIS: FUCK! Right! That’s it! I can’t do this shit any more. You’re crazy – just crazy!
Dennis pushes himself off the seat and sits away from her.
MAUDE: I can’t help it!
DENNIS: (mimics her) I can’t help it.. (in his own voice) Well, I’m not going to try again… I’m going for a dump.
Dennis gets up and walks towards the toilet.
MAUDE: I don’t think so… you’re not going in here. This is my camper van. You can sleep here, in the front, but you are not.. I repeat, you are not going to the toilet here.
Dennis is about to shout at Maude. Maude’s face is contorted now, her eye is fluctuating and her upper lip is starting to judder at the corner. Dennis puts on his sodden clothes again and picks up a roll of toilet paper.
DENNIS: This isn’t over.
CUT TO:
INT. CAMPER VAN - NIGHT
Maude is cleaning the camper van. She is happy. There are no facial tics. She has taken all the cutlery out of the drawer and is cleaning every bit before putting them back into the drawer again. The door slams open and a very muddy, very dishevelled, drenched and thoroughly pissed off Dennis staggers into the van. He is covered in mud and shit.
MAUDE (She starts looking disgusted, then bemused): What the hell happened to you?
(She now looks flabbergasted.)
DENNIS: Hell is right… all because of you and your pristine toilet. You wouldn’t believe what I’ve gone through.. The weather’s so much worse. I found a place that I thought was safe to take a crap. But I didn’t count on the river bursting its banks… and it happened when I was mid-shit as well. I’ve no idea how far I was carried before I managed to grasp onto one of the trees that were overhanging. It’s taken me this long to get back..
MAUDE: I hadn’t even realise how long you’ve been gone. Shut the door will you…
DENNIS: That’s charming…
MAUDE: Just what do you think you look like?
Maude laughs. Laughs hard. She is laughing so hard that she has to steady herself on the kitchen sink unit. Dennis stands there for a minute. The door is still open and water is starting to seep in from outside. The river has burst its banks. Maude is still laughing. Dennis lumbers up to her, his muddied shoes squelching on the sodden lino.
Dennis slaps Maude across the cheek. She falls on the kitchen top to the floor, dragging the cutlery drawer with her. Dennis looks at her on the floor and realises what he’s done. He bends down to help Maude back up. Maude grabs an apple corer blindly and stabs him with it. She screams as he jerks back. As he backs away he slips in the water that's flowing through the open driver's door.
Dennis falls back hard. Maude scrabbles up and leaps at Dennis. She pins his legs and stabs him with the corer tool repeatedly. She has a pristine smile on her face as the muddied waters rise around her.
FADE OUT:
TITLE CARD: DENNIS AND MAUDE WENT CAMPING
