The Immersive Escape - A Screenplay

FADE IN:

A cheesy PowerPoint presentation, complete with corporate transitions between slides. The slides are of various rooms that the characters are going to encounter and stock footage of happy people in brightly coloured escape rooms.. There is also a very officious voice over intercut with footage of the characters making their way into the escape room / office:

POWER-POINT PRESENTATION

DIANNE BOLUS: Hello. Here at CSC we believe that Escape Rooms are more than fright or flight. They can be a tool for pushing boundaries and understanding limits.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE RECEPTION - MORNING

In flashback: Nine people wait in the lobby: five women and four men. When a final woman dashes through the front doors of the reception they all enter the lift together. The doors take a while to shut.

CUT TO:

POWER-POINT PRESENTATION

DIANNE BOLUS: Through cognitive mastery we can push people beyond what they thought possible. Through controlled stress we can understand people's breaking points and identify their vulnerabilities through social cohesion and erosion techniques. 

CUT TO:

INT. LIFT - MORNING

Nine people are crammed inside the lift: EMMA, showing signs of claustrophobia; NATALIE, an overweight middle-manager; PHIL, chubby and obsequious; DEBBIE, quiet and tall, observant; FIONA, short, hair and wearing glasses; PAUL, wears a ponytail and still thinks it's cool to do so; NINA has curly hair and a buoyant personality; JEFF who wears glasses and keeps his opinions to himself and then there is STEVE.

The lift stops in a jarring manner and stays in one place for twenty seconds before the door finally opens. Emma looks relieved to be out of the lift and Phil genuflects as she exits. Debbie tells him to get out the fucking lift.

CUT TO:

POWER-POINT PRESENTATION

DIANNE BOLUS: There are seven rooms to escape from. The data taken from today's exercise will help when we push this out to the corporate world. Imagine: the office as an escape room with team building the ultimate game. 

CUT TO:

INT. 4TH FLOOR OFFICE - MORNING

The office is barely 30 feet by 30; the walls a dysentery brown with a pink frieze running in the middle; the CSC Logo stamped time and time again like a crude strip cartoon. The lifts are behind the group. As soon as the last person leaves it (STEVE) the lift doors suddenly close, leaving no trace of their existence. The room is entirely empty except for a table.

Everyone walks around it. There is a simple door bell randomly stuck on it. A single post-it note is affixed underneath with the words: “PrEss Me!” in erratic handwriting, scrawled using a blue biro that looked as if it was close to running out. Steve presses the button. The room goes black and the PowerPoint presentation is switched on, projected on to the far wall.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: The immersive escape

INT. 4TH FLOOR OFFICE - MORNING

Everyone is watching the PowerPoint presentation still.

DIANNE BOLUS: This is the Orientation room and you have eight hours to reach the end point. The time starts when this message finishes. Good luck!

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: 1 - ORIENTATION

The message stops and the lights strobe for 10 seconds before flaring phosphorous white. When the lights dim back to normal the workers can see four doors; one in each corner of the room. 

STEVE: Maybe we should split up?

PAUL: That’s a crap idea. You’ve obviously never seen any horror movies.

STEVE: Of course, I have.

Paul prods Steve in the shoulder.

PAUL: Well, maybe you should try all of the doors in turn. If you don’t come back from one then obviously that’s not the one to take.

DEBBIE: You first.

Phil whirls around to confront Debbie but Natalie interrupts him.

NATALIE: We all need to do this systematically. Take each door in turn and follow where it takes us.

JEFF: And if it takes us to a trap-room then what?

FIONA: What’s a trap room?

PAUL: Ah, come on. There aren’t any trap rooms. (Points to the far right door.) Let’s just pick that door over there.

Everyone walks over to the right hand corner of the office and through the door.  The corridor is totally black in front of them. There is still light behind them but as everyone walks further on that light is turned off. The door shuts behind them.

PHIL: Fucking brilliant. 

PAUL: Don’t say a word, Jeff. We just need to feel our way out, there has to be a way out.

It takes them a while but they find themselves back in the same room again. They all look at each other.

                                                                                                                                                CUT TO:

INT. 4TH FLOOR 2nd OFFICE - MORNING

Jeff looks back to the corridor but there is no door, just a blank wall. Jeff shrugs and walks to the door opposite and stops.

JEFF: You do realise that we have no real way of knowing whether this IS the same room… I mean, you could  all wait for me to walk round again but what if I don’t… What if the door closes behind me and this WAS the right way out. We have to keep together. We have to try another door!

Everyone follows Jeff through another door. Again the door closes behind them and they fumble their way to the end of the tunnel. They end up in an exact replica of the room before. This time the lights are dimmer.

CUT TO:

INT. 4TH FLOOR 3RD OFFICE - MORNING

The door closes once more behind them and they choose the third door… With the same results. The fourth door leads to the same conclusion; a room so familiar, slightly dimmer bulbs but with a dampness in the air.

CUT TO:

INT. 4TH FLOOR 4TH OFFICE - MORNING

Everyone looks around to see what is going on. NINA notices there is something wrong.

NINA: Has anyone seen Steve?

The rest look around with no luck.

EMMA: It’s not as if he could be hiding anywhere.

DEBBIE: Maybe we lost him in one of the corridors.

FIONA: Yeah, but which one? I mean when was the last time any of us did a head count?

PHIL: (Tersely) A head count? What is this, primary school?

PAUL: Well, this was all about Orientation. I guess that Steve failed that exercise. Maybe we pick him up at the end.

DEBBIE: Has anyone else noticed the door over there?

At the far end of the office, where the lift was in the previous room, is another door.  The eight people run over to it and try the handle. The door opens but there is just another wall behind.

PAUL: What the fuck? This is crazy!

NATALIE: This is an escape room, did you really expect it to be easy? What we need to do is stop making assumptions and search. There is a way out of here, but it's not going to be obvious.

They search every wall for clues, even Paul. Fiona is more pragmatic. She searches the door and then the table.

EMMA: What have you found, Fiona?

FIONA: Look - on the door. Doesn’t that look like a place for a handle to go… There’s a hole with four smaller drill holes around it… and look on the table! There’s now a screwdriver there…

NINA: Wow! Check out Fiona! That’s a great feat of observation. I would never have worked that out!

NATALIE: Give it a try then, Fi. 

Fiona looks at Jeff and winces. Fiona picks up the slightly rusted screwdriver and tries undoing the screws on the door handle. The screwdriver slips a couple of times and nicks her hand, drawing blood. 

Phil snatches it from her, takes the door handle off and places it over the newly found holes. He then screws it into place. It fits. The group cheers, some genuinely but others, like Paul and Natalie just make a sarcastic WHOOP WHOOP gesture. The door opens to another corridor and leads down a slope to yet another room.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: 2 - Collaboration

INT. 3RD FLOOR OFFICE - MORNING

This office is exactly the same as the preceding, albeit with dimmer lights and a slightly mankier tone.

FIONA: (sucking her finger where it bled) So how did that actually work?

JEFF: It's a double-acting, double-hinged door.

EMMA: (laughs, good-natured) Oh, is that what it is?

PHIL: Like you know what he’s talking about!

DEBBIE: Shut the fuck up, Phil!

JEFF: (undeterred) Basically, it divides the space immediately behind the door with a wedge-shaped partition. When the door swings one way, it blocks the other. Fascinating stuff… 

Nina: (whispers to Natalie) Not the only thing that swings both ways…

JEFF: (to Fiona, ignoring Nina completely) Is your finger alright?

FIONA: It tingles a bit, but it’s ok.

PAUL: Has anyone else noticed we’re in almost exactly the same room as before? As all the rooms before?

PHIL: It’s either cutting corners or it's down to an absolute lack of imagination.

The room looks more dishevelled than the last. The lights are gloomier with a bluish tinge. There is more of a musty smell and the walls had a reddish tinge to them. The floor is dusty and there are distinct footprints in the dust. Again, there were no doors and no discernible way of getting out. 

NATALIE: Split up, search the walls.

Everyone takes a systematic approach to searching. Running their hands along the walls, being careful to mind the mould spores. After a couple of minutes, a distinct click is heard. A narrow vertical gap appears in the opposite wall. Everyone runs over to the gap and as they do so it disappears completely.

PHIL: Bloody strange. It's more of a tease than you, Debbie! 

DEBBIE: Fuck off, Phil.

Debbie takes a step back. A click is heard again and the door opens another inch.  They all shout at Debbie:

EVERYONE: Don’t move!

EMMA: It’s pressure sensitive….

Emma looks down to where Debbie is standing

EMMA: Look! She’s standing right where those footsteps end!

Everyone sees the footsteps. Jeff spots another set of footprints further off and stands on the last pair. The door opens further. A light beckons from beyond.Natalie runs for the doorway. The door pivots against her weight and Natalie falls forward and down. There is only a void beneath her, like a lift shaft. She disappears into the darkness. A beat later, we hear the muffled thud. Debbie is about to move from her spot in panic.

JEFF: Don’t move! Whatever you do, don’t move. This might be our only chance!

Jeff tells the others to find the other set of footprints. Paul stands on one set and Emma on the last. The door opens fully. Phil stands on the edge of the new doorway and is unnerved.

PHIL: Somehow there’s a floor now.  It looks like it’s folded down from the ceiling when all the pressure plates were occupied.

He tentatively puts his weight into the new corridor and it holds.

PHIL: I’m alright now, not sure what you guys are going to do!

DEBBIE: It would be worth stepping off this just to see you fall, Phil!

JEFF: This isn’t helping at all, guys! If the rest of you step into the corridor and make  your way down it then the rest of us can try to make a run for it.

PHIL: That is something I’d pay money to see!

NINA: Fuck off, Phil!

JEFF: If I’m right then whoever is standing in the last position will act as a stabilising factor for the rest to run. We can then hold the doors for Emma to dash across.

Emma looks very nervous.

EMMA: Why me?

JEFF: I’m sorry, sweetie. It’s because you were the last one.

PHIL: And what if you’re wrong?

PAUL: What the fuck do you care? You’re safe anyway.

PHIL: Good point… get your running shoes on, Emma. I’ve got the popcorn ready.

EMMA; Shut the fuck up!

Fiona and Nina exchange a look. Phil, Fiona and Nina carefully step into the corridor.

JEFF: (to Paul and Debbie) Ready? 3…2…1… Run!

The three of them run to the door and make it without a fuss. They’re out of breath but all eyes are now on Emma. They all back away, halfway down the corridor. Jeff looks at Emma.

JEFF: It’s now or never, kid. We’ll do our best to hold back the doors. I won’t leave you!

Emma nods. She dashes for the doorway and makes it with no problems at all. The doorway stays open. Emma is out of breath and standing just inside the corridor smiling.

CUT TO:

INT. CORRIDOR - MORNING

Emma takes another step. The floor gives way beneath her and she falls before springing back up like a trapdoor. The corridor starts to close in around them, forcing everyone to the bottom doorway.Debbie is near the end of the corridor.

DEBBIE: Watch out!

The door is sliding shut. The six remaining barely make it in time to the new room.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: 3 - ASSESSMENT

INT. 3RD FLOOR OFFICE - MORNING

The same room design as before. But like a demented, colour blind designer it’s darker with a cloying denseness. 

Fiona is now scratching her hand. Jeff takes hold of it to look at it. The hand is inflamed and an angry red. Fiona shrugs it off, tearfully.

The remaining six stare around the room. They see the table in the middle of the room as before. Now there are 6 square boxes, each with wires coming out the bottom leading somewhere. 

They walk round the table and scrutinise each of the boxes. All are fixed firmly and finished in a mahogany effect. On top of each are two fist sized holes.

Jeff doesn’t even hesitate. He thrusts his hands into the holes and everyone just stares at him.

JEFF: Nothing to report yet… wait a minute… There’s a slight tingling; more of an itch. If this is as bad as it gets then…

Phil shrugs and plunges his hands into the holes, as does Debbie. But there’s something different happening.

DEBBIE: Are your hands hurting at all?

PHIL: Mine are uncomfortable; like a sprain or an ache; but not hurting.

Jeff shakes his head, concerned over Debbie’s hands. He can see a logical progression.

JEFF: Mine’s more like pins and needles; but I can see where this is going. It’s going to get more unpleasant the further it goes on, but I get the horrible feeling no door is going to open unless all of us get… stuck in.

Paul and Nina quickly put their hands in the holes. The pain intensifies. It’s just Fiona that is left. She’s looking at the hand where her injury is. It’s obvious that it’s been troubling her more than she’s been letting on.

PAUL: For fucks sake! HURRY UP! I don’t know how much more I can take!

NINA: (Tries to take her hands out) We’re trapped! I can’t take any more, it’s too painful. Hurry up, you bitch! None of us can leave until you finish it.

FIONA: I can’t!! I can’t!

Everyone is shouting at Fiona to stick her hands in the holes until she finally breaks down. Screaming, she thrusts her hands in the box.

Immediately a door opens behind everyone and they are released from the boxes. There are no wounds anywhere on their hands. Phil launches himself at Fiona but Jeff shoves him back.

PHIL: (To Fiona) I’ll get you for this. (To Jeff) You do that again and I’ll end you too.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: 4 - PERFORMANCE REVIEW

INT. 3RD FLOOR 2ND OFFICE - MORNING

There is no connecting corridor, just an identically imperfect room. The same soul-numbing decor, the same depressing mildew stink, just more pungent. Viscous liquid streaks the wallpaper, like residue from a smoking room after a heavy session.

Fiona stares at her hands and then at Jeff. Jeff shrugs after looking at it again. The wound is definitely infected and the veins in her arms are starting to turn black. 

Debbie looks around. No doorway again, even the one behind them had shut tight. The floor was cleaner this time; so no clues to be found there either. The upper walls are out of reach and no one really wants to touch the walls just in case they find out what is dripping down them.

Nina: I wonder what’s going on?

PAUL: What does it matter?

PHIL: We’re being picked off one by one. That’s what’s fucking going on.

DEBBIE: But why? It doesn’t make sense.

JEFF: What’s the context?

PAUL: Context? Who gives a fuck! I’m going to knock your fucking block off in a minute.

DEBBIE: Try it and you’ll have the rest of us to deal with.

PAUL: If you weren’t a woman…

FIONA: (weakly) And if you were more of a man, Paul, we might not be in this position.

JEFF: Look, this really isn’t helping. I heard rumors, right? There might be more to this… The boss lady, DIANNE BOLUS herself, big chief CEO supposedly had a breakdown not so long ago, right? She went away for a while to… find herself? She came back and then formed this new wing of CSC….

DEBBIE: Yeah. I heard something about that. There’s been rumours of a secret development for ages but it’s been very hush-hush. Then all of a sudden I get a letter saying I’ve been promoted to this new position to test this new vision of hers.

JEFF: But what if there was no finding of self? What if she had an L. Ron Hubbard moment on the road to Damascus?

PHIL: El Ray who?

JEFF: You need to read a book once in a while. Ones without pop-up centrefolds.

PHIL: You pretentious, jumped up arsehole. I’m going to crucify you in front of your bloody harem.

Phil lunges at Jeff but then something stops him in his tracks, something that no one else can see. 

PHIL: Well strike a fucking light… it’s just opened!

Everyone turns to see another door opening and this time Phil leads the way, but not without barging past Jeff as hard as he can.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: 5 - LEADERSHIP

INT. 2ND FLOOR OFFICE - MORNING

The door shuts right behind the last person. All the lights suddenly go out. Nina screams whilst Fiona moans in despondency. 

PAUL AND PHIL: (almost in unison) For fucks sake, what now?!

A hissing noise, as if a tannoy has been turned on. Various snippets of dialogue can be heard.

JEFF: (Slightly mechanical) There’s only going to be one way out of here… Only the strong can get out of here.

JEFF: (more emotive)That wasn’t me speaking! 

Other voices are heard: 

VOICE 1: The cut on your hand is God's way of punishing you, Fiona…. You should have been looking out for Steve.

VOICE 2: (To Nina) Paul and Phil are going to kill you if they can… You know that to be true… you have to get to them first…

VOICE 3: Phil knows… Everyone knows about you, Paul. Don’t try to hide it any longer, You think that by acting tough you can…

Voice 4: You’re not half the manager Nat was, Debbie. You’re not half the woman Nat was either. Too many people have died here… The reason you’re still single is that you’re far too masculine!

All of the voices merge into a cacophony; swirling around their heads. It is Phil who cries out first:

PHIL: Fuck no! Fuck NO! FUCK NO!

The lights suddenly come back on. Phil turns to Jeff and, again, lunges for him. Jeff is ready. Phil takes a swing at Jeff. Jeff sidesteps and slams an elbow to the side of his head, hitting him hard. Phil falls hard. 

Silence.

Paul takes a step forward but Debbie has knelt down to take Phil’s pulse.

DEBBIE: He’s dead…Phil’s dead! 

A new door opens behind them.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: 6 - SUBJUGATION

INT. 2ND FLOOR OFFICE - MORNING

Everyone stares at Phil’s prone body. Jeff looks numbed by it. Fiona is crying. Paul looks murderously at Jeff. Debbie walks over to Jeff and puts her hand on his shoulder.

DEBBIE: He attacked you. It’s not your fault. 

PAUL: Like fuck! He didn’t have to hit Phil like that! You could have tripped him, kicked him in the fucking nuts…

NINA: And what would you have done in the meantime?You were getting ready to knock the shit out of him as well…

PAUL: Yeah, and I’m still going to!

Paul leaps at Jeff. Jeff doesn’t put up any defense. He is still in shock. Paul puts his hands around Jeff’s throat and drags him through the open door.

Debbie and Nina try to stop him.

CUT TO:

INT. STAIRWELL - MORNING

The stairwell is cavernous, cold. Metal railings line the edge of the stairs leading to a long drop. Only the red glow of emergency lights illuminates the surroundings.

Paul tries to push Jeff over the metal banister but can’t. Nina and Debbie impede his every move. Paul slaps Nina away. This snaps Jeff back into the moment. 

Jeff stamps hard on the front of Paul's ankle and scrapes his foot down, forcing him to let go. Paul shouts in pain and throws off Debbie and Nina easily before lunging at Jeff again.

Jeff sidesteps in such a way that he trips Paul and Paul’s momentum carries him over the metal railing down the central stairwell, smashing against the stairs. His ragdoll body falls several storeys below them.

Jeff looks at Debbie and Nina.

JEFF: Thank you. (Turns to Fiona) Fiona? Are you ok?

Fiona is leaning against the closed door behind them, smiling weakly. Blood dribbles out of her nose. Her legs suddenly give way and she slides down the wall as if her strings have been cut. It is just Jeff, Debbie and Nina now. 

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: 7 - OFFBOARDING

INT. STAIRWELL - MORNING

Jeff, Debbie and Nina continue to walk slowly down the stairs. The dark crimson emergency lights are disorientating, and a drip-drip -dripping noise seems to come from everywhere.. Debbie takes hold of Jeff’s hand and Nina follows suit. Foul looking water cascades down the central stairwell like someone wringing out a sponge. The PA system sparks on again.

DIANNE BOLUS: I knew you three would be the last. You’re almost at the end now and soon you will have the revelation that was given to me; and you will finally understand…

The floor becomes sticky underneath. With every step the inevitability grows; a crushing sense of déjà vu that only true horror can bring about. 

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT - MORNING

They finally reach the bottom of the stairs. There is Paul’s body, limp and as lifeless with one arm stuck out like a drunken signpost. Jeff follows its direction and sees one lone light shining in the distance.

NINA: (hopeful) Is that the way out?

DEBBIE: I don’t think we’re going to be that lucky.

They walk closer and the familiar dripping noise gets more pronounced. Nina tries turning back but Debbie and Jeff urge her on. 

They reach a pool of liquid, a viscous, crimson dew-pond. Kneeling at the far edge, staring at them, is a woman.

This is DIANNE BOLUS, Chief Executive Officer of CSC. She is dressed in a ‘power-suit’; double-breasted with shoulder-pads and a cream blouse and tight long skirt. She has her hands cupped in the liquid, drinking from the pool like it was a natural spring. Her face is beatific and horrific at the same time. 

She looks at Debbie, Nina and Jeff and smiles in recognition. 

DIANNE BOLUS: My children... my children returned to me… drink! Drink!

Behind her, six shapes slowly manifest from the darkness; six silhouettes. Nina sobs as she recognises them. Then she walks into the liquid and kneels as if being baptised. 

Jeff can only look at it happening. He struggles to move but finds that he can’t. Debbie is still gripping his hand, hard. Diane leans down to kiss Nina.

Jeff groans in helplessness, wanting so much to turn away but can’t. Debbie lets her hand fall from his. She walks over to Dianne, through the crimson pool and embraces Diane with a perverse passion. 

Nina rises out of the pool. Nina stands with Debbie behind Dianne as the rest of her brood walk out fully into the light. 

Emma, Natalie, Phil, Paul, Fiona and Steve all stand now behind Dianne.

JEFF: Take me then. Take ME! I’m yours.

Dianne shakes her head slowly and smiles. 

FADE OUT:

Dennis & Maude went camping - A screenplay

INT. MAUDE'S HOUSE - MID-MORNING

Maude lives in a kitsch cottage. It has all the trappings of a cottage from the 1950’s but with a strange modern vibe. There are paintings of the Virgin Mary in every room. In the lounge there is almost a shrine to her. The sofas all have plastic covers on them and everything is pristine. Maude is dressed in muted pastels. Her cardigan is the same pale blue of the Virgin’s robes. Maude’s clothes are well starched; barely any flesh showing, even her sleeves are longer than normal so only the finger tips show. She wears a long, tight skirt of a formal brown with sensible shoes. She looks attractive but fragile.

She is packing a suitcase. Everything has been meticulously folded and fitted into the suitcase perfectly. She is slow and fastidious. There is another bag full of cleaning bottles and scrubbing brushes; pairs and pairs of rubber gloves; surgical gloves and a large roll of black plastic bags. Maude packs a few more items and looks at her watch. She packs a few more then looks at her clock. 

MAUDE: Have I done the right thing? I don’t know. Is it too late to back out? 

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE MEETING ROOM - AFTERNOON

CAPTION: TWO DAYS BEFORE

There is a meeting dragging on. Everyone’s face is showing signs of despair and boredom. Maude is diligently awake, but she is annoyed. Dennis is staring at Maude.

The meeting finishes. Bob, the manager, looks at his watch.

BOB: Think I’ve bored you enough. It’s time for a break, and as it’s home time we can sod off to the pub. My shout, everyone!

DENNIS (To Maude): Most sensible thing he’s said all day.

Maude looks at him with surprise, as it's the first time she’s seen Dennis and he’s an alien.

MAUDE (unsure of herself): Show me the way to the pub?

CUT TO:

INT. PUB - MID AFTERNOON

Maude is being talked at. She looks uncomfortable but tries to smile.

DENNIS: So I took a drink when they did. But whilst they were drinking beer I was knocking back whisky! Anyway, I went to the loo; fell asleep! Woke up about two in the morning and the coach had gone!

MAUDE (gasp): What did you do?

DENNIS: Cadged a ride in a taxi with one of the managers who was having it off with one of their temps! The ride was awkward but I got home alright.

Maude rubs her wrist just above the hemline of her cardigan. She then takes a drink from her orange juice, but she presses the glass to her top lip, then bottom lip before drinking. Dennis watches intently. Maude looks up and blushes.

MAUDE (sternly): I don’t like being stared at. Why are you staring at me?

DENNIS: I thought I was the only one that did things like that…

MAUDE: Like what?

DENNIS: What you did with the glass. It’s OCD… Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

MAUDE: There’s nothing wrong with me! I’m not obsessive; I don’t have a disorder and I definitely am NOT compulsive!

DENNIS: Look, it’s alright. I’m just the same. I drive my family to distraction with my OCD. I understand, it’s alright.

Maude looks at Dennis, looks at her sleeve. She smiles weakly.

CUT TO:

INT. MAUDE'S COTTAGE - MID MORNING

MAUDE: Maybe it will be alright. I just wish he would be on time!

CUT TO:

INT. DENNIS’S HOUSE - MID-MORNING

Dennis is standing in front of his full length, ornate mirror. There are three mirrors in his bedroom. One on each wall. On the double bed are various changes of clothes. Several different combinations of trousers, jeans, chinos and slacks. Lots of shirts of different colors and styles. Dennis constantly holds different shirts to different trouser combinations in the mirror and can not make up his mind. There is a large toiletries bag on the bed, next to a large suitcase. Inside the toiletries bag are lots of bottles of conditioner, skin creams, hair gel, moisturizer.

Dennis looks at the clock. He looks at his watch and curses. He carefully packs his clothes into his suitcase. It won’t close. He opens it again and unpacks the shirts and trousers. 

DENNIS: Four days… How do I know I’ve packed enough? Do I pack a back-up suitcase, just in case? Is Maude really going to appreciate what I bring to the table?

CUT TO:

INT. PUB - MID AFTERNOON 

FLASHBACK

Dennis and Maude, sitting in the pub.

MAUDE: You’re quite funny.

DENNIS: Faint praise, indeed.

MAUDE: Don’t be unkind. I don’t know whether I like you or not, yet.

DENNIS: I’ve got some chance, then. (winks)

MAUDE: I don’t know what you mean.

DENNIS (laughs): You can’t get out much then.

MAUDE: I don’t… At all… Do you?

DENNIS: Not really… I talk a good game, but I don’t like going out much… Not really.

MAUDE: We’re a pair. 

Maude takes a drink from her orange juice and looks at Dennis. She looks down at her glass again.

MAUDE: Dennis. I want to ask you something. I can’t quite believe I’m going to ask you this. But I’m very serious. And I want you to think about it.

Dennis looks at Maude and tries not to get himself excited.

MAUDE: I have bought a camper van. I want to test it out but I’m nervous to drive it on my own. 

DENNIS: How did you manage to get a camper van? Aren’t they fucking expensive?

MAUDE: Please don’t swear in front of me. I came into some money recently.

Dennis smiles at this.

MAUDE: My parents died in a car crash.

Dennis immediately frowns.

DENNIS: Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.

MAUDE: I’m not. They didn’t understand me. They thought I was a fastidious freak… Anyway. I have this camper van now. And I would like you to travel with me.

CUT TO:

INT. DENNIS'S BEDROOM - MID MORNING

Dennis closes the suitcase and takes one more look in the mirror.

DENNIS: Get in there, my son.

CUT TO:

INT. MAUDE'S CAMPERVAN - AFTERNOON

Maude is driving the campervan. Her seat is pressed very close to the steering wheel so she is not level with Dennis’s seat, which is more relaxed. Both seats have plastic covers and Dennis has a hard time from slipping off them. Dennis reaches to turn on the radio.

MAUDE: Please don’t touch that.

DENNIS: Don’t you want the radio on?

MAUDE: No. I don’t. But I also don’t think you’ve washed your hands. I don’t want you to touch things until you’ve washed your hands. 

DENNIS: I’ve touched the door handle and the seat though.

MAUDE: I know about those places. I can wipe them down. If you want to touch other places then there are wet-wipes in the glove department.

Dennis opens the glove compartment. There are four packets of large wet wipes. He takes one out and wipes his hands. There’s also a car safety hammer.

MAUDE: Now wipe the glove compartment handle and the radio switch.

Dennis does so and looks around.

DENNIS: Where shall I throw the used wet wipes?

MAUDE: Wet wipes? More than one? (sigh) You’ll have to put them in your pocket.

DENNIS: Don’t you have a bin or something?

MAUDE: Yes. But they’re for me.

DENNIS: You have more than one?

MAUDE: But of course. One for paper and card. One for plastics. One for glass. One for vegetable food waste.

DENNIS: What about one for bones and skin? Don’t you eat meat?

Maude looks at Dennis askew, still driving, and blanches.

CUT TO:

INT. MAUDE'S CAMPER VAN - AFTERNOON

Maude is still driving. Dennis is staring out of the window. Every so often he sniffs.

MAUDE: Please stop doing that.

DENNIS: Breathing?

MAUDE: Don’t be flippant.

DENNIS: There’s a funny smell. I can’t put my finger on it, but it's strong.

MAUDE: it’s Dettol. Though I’m surprised you can smell it with all that aftershave on.

DENNIS: Don’t you like it? I wore it for you.

MAUDE: I wish you hadn’t.

CUT TO:

INT. MAUDE'S CAMPER VAN - AFTERNOON

DENNIS: You look tired. Did you want me to drive?

MAUDE: You’re not driving my camper van.

DENNIS: Would you rather pull into a service station and intermingle with all the other people and their dirty ways?

MAUDE: Ok…but you’re wearing gloves first.

DENNIS: I’m not wearing…

CUT TO:

Dennis is sitting at the driving wheel of the camper van, wearing surgical gloves. It’s raining hard outside and the windscreen wipers are doing their best to keep up.The camper van suddenly starts juddering. 

MAUDE: What have you done now? What have you touched?

DENNIS: Why do you think it was me?

MAUDE: Well, it wasn’t happening whilst I was driving.

Dennis looks at the petrol gauge. Taps it. Taps it again.

DENNIS: We’re out of fucking petrol. You know that, don’t you?

MAUDE: No, I didn’t. And it won’t make it better by tapping it like that.

DENNIS: No. I do know that.

MAUDE: So why do it? It’s annoying…

DENNIS: Do you actually hear yourself? I mean, you are aware that we’re stuck out in the middle of nowhere.

The camper van cuts out and Dennis has the foresight to pull into a makeshift lay-by.

DENNIS: Well, that’s fucking brilliant!

MAUDE: Would you please stop swearing. I don’t know why you’re trying to make it sound as if it's my fault.

DENNIS: You are aware of the internal combustion engine? That it relies on petrol to function?

MAUDE: I thought it beeped at you.

DENNIS: I’ll fucking beep at you…

MAUDE: Stop swearing! Stop swearing! I want you to STOP SWEARING! (sighs) Look. You need to find a way to fix this.

Dennis states at Maude. He looks outside at the torrential rain and then at Maude.

DENNIS: I need to fix this? Why do I need to fix it? What’s in it for me?

MAUDE: What do you want?

DENNIS: What do you think I want?

MAUDE (pauses): No. That’s sacrilegious. I couldn’t abide you to touch me like that. I just couldn’t.

DENNIS  (sighs): If it was just that then I wouldn’t have put up with all this… It’s not just sex either. I do like you… I think… and I think you like me… kinda… I think. Anyway, we won’t go all the way; you have my word. 

Maude looks at him with disgust.

DENNIS: Look, let’s make this even simpler. I go. I walk out. Get a lift from someone. Leave you alone. In the dark. In the rain. ALONE. Understand? 

Maude looks at Dennis with contempt now.

DENNIS: Or I go walkabout with a petrol can. Find a petrol station. Walk back, in the rain and save your precious camper van. And you show me a little kindness for my troubles. What’s it to be?

Maude nods her head.

MAUDE: I don’t have a spare petrol can.

DENNIS: Of course you don’t. But apart from that, you agree?

Maude nods her head. Dennis smiles and undoes his seat belt. He opens the door and turns to Maude.

DENNIS: Keep the humming in your hummus, babe. I’ll be back before you know it.

CUT TO:

EXT. LAYBY - LATE AFTERNOON

Dennis jumps out of the camper van. He lands on the waterlogged, muddy ground and slips down a slope into a puddle.

CUT TO:

INT. CAMPER VAN - LATE AFTERNOON

Maude stares out of the windscreen.

MAUDE: Bloody idiot. 

Maude opens the glove compartment and takes out the safety hammer.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPER VAN IN LAY-BY - EARLY EVENING

Dennis trudges back with two full petrol cans. It’s dark outside now.  It’s still raining and he is thoroughly drenched. Dennis opens the petrol compartment and pours the contents into the camper van.

CUT TO:

INT. CAMPER VAN - EARLY EVENING

Maude is standing in the small kitchen, chopping vegetables with a sharp knife. She can hear Dennis swearing and making noise topping up the petrol. The door to the camper van opens and Dennis is about to step in.

MAUDE: What do you think you’re doing?!

DENNIS: What?

MAUDE: You’re not coming in here like that!

DENNIS: Jesus!! You’re kidding, right?

Maude just stares at him sternly.

DENNIS: What am I going to do then?

MAUDE: That’s up to you. You should have thought of that before you left.

DENNIS: I just walked four miles to the petrol station. I filled up two heavy cans. Paid for them and the petrol out of my own money, and thanks for that as well. AND I walked back four miles IN THE POURING RAIN!

MAUDE: I am grateful. That is why I have been cooking for you since you’ve been gone. And I would appreciate it if you did not shout.

DENNIS (sighs. Takes a deep breath): Look I don’t want to argue out here. I’m muddy enough. If you pass me a couple of those plastic sacks I can put the muddy clothes in them. Would that be acceptable?

MAUDE: Only if you leave your shoes outside.

DENNIS: Ok, they’re ruined anyway… They were my favourite shoes as well…

Maude is no longer listening. She throws three black plastic sacks at Dennis. Dennis strips sheepishly in front of Maud. Maud does not look, she is intent on chopping the vegetables. The meal is to be a selection of homemade vegetables and dips. Dennis looks at them and turns his nose up. Dennis has boxer shorts on and is now choosing something to wear. 

DENNIS: It’s cold out there. I thought we were going to have something hot.

MAUDE: I’m not going to stink the place out with cooking, thank you.

Dennis is holding up different shirts to his body and looking at himself in the mirror. He does this a few times.

MAUDE: Just pick one goddammit!

DENNIS: You can’t rush these things, my dear.

At the word ‘dear’ there is a visible tic in Maude’s eye. It starts slow but starts to grow. The sounds of her chopping become more pronounced now.

CUT TO:

During the meal they sit in silence. Maude tries not to look at Dennis. When she finally does she can see him stare at her. The flutter in her eye increases.

CUT TO:

Later the meal is over. Dennis tries washing and drying up. Maude sits on the couch in the corner and seethes. Maude gets up, rips the dishcloth out of Dennis’s hands and starts everything from scratch.

CUT TO:

INT. CAMPER VAN - NIGHT

Outside it is still raining. The camper van rocks through the gusts of wind.

DENNIS: I’m so glad I got the petrol when I did, eh? 

MAUDE (Sarcastically): Yes, yes… You’re very clever. I don’t know what I would have done without you… Make the damn move, won’t you?! Why don’t you make the move? Why do you think I’m just sitting here?

Dennis sits bolt upright.

DENNIS: Hang on now, darling. Don’t be like that. You can’t rush things.

MAUDE: Don’t call me darling. And I thought it was the only thing you were any good at…

DENNIS: I beg your pardon?

MAUDE: You have a reputation. I wanted to take advantage of that reputation. I wanted to see what it was like… sex, I mean. I thought it was the only thing you were good at.

DENNIS: You’re kidding me… I hate to break it to you, Maude. It’s just that, a reputation. It’s amazing how little sleight of hand it takes to create a reputation. That’s why I really wanted to be with you; I thought you were different.

Maude is taken aback by this. She looks at Dennis and sees vulnerability. She relaxes a bit.

MAUDE: I’m sorry. I’m on edge and shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I think it would mean more if you… take me like this. Please.

Maude motions to Dennis. Dennis gets up and walks over. He sits down nervously next to Maud. Maude stiffens up immediately. Dennis puts his hand tentatively on Maude's leg and she slaps him.

DENNIS: What the hell?

MAUDE: I’m sorry! You took me off guard; I’ve never done this kind of thing before.

Dennis leans in closer only for Maude to lean back. Dennis pushes closer and tries to kiss Maude. Maude slaps him much harder now Dennis slips off the plastic covers onto the floor.

DENNIS: What the?!

MAUDE: I’m sorry! Really…. I do want this, but you just need to be patient with me.

DENNIS: Patient?

MAUDE: Would it help if we just got undressed and went straight into it?

DENNIS: Yeah; right – I need to be a bit more aroused before that, you know?

MAUDE: What can I do about that?

DENNIS: Seriously??

MAUDE (with disgust): You want me to touch it!

DENNIS: What else you going to do? Suck it?

Maud dry retches. Dennis sighs

DENNIS: Let’s try it again… just try not to hit me this time.

Dennis places his hand on her thigh, leans in and kisses her. Maude starts to tremble. She places her hand on his shoulder. Dennis kisses Maude deeper. Maude bites down and then slaps him.

DENNIS: FUCK! Right! That’s it! I can’t do this shit any more. You’re crazy – just crazy!

Dennis pushes himself off the seat and sits away from her.

MAUDE: I can’t help it!

DENNIS: (mimics her) I can’t help it..  (in his own voice) Well, I’m not going to try again… I’m going for a dump.

Dennis gets up and walks towards the toilet.

MAUDE: I don’t think so… you’re not going in here. This is my camper van. You can sleep here, in the front, but you are not.. I repeat, you are not going to the toilet here.

Dennis is about to shout at Maude. Maude’s face is contorted now, her eye is fluctuating and her upper lip is starting to judder at the corner.  Dennis puts on his sodden clothes again and picks up a roll of toilet paper.

DENNIS: This isn’t over.

CUT TO:

INT. CAMPER VAN - NIGHT

Maude is cleaning the camper van. She is happy. There are no facial tics. She has taken all the cutlery out of the drawer and is cleaning every bit before putting them back into the drawer again. The door slams open and a very muddy, very dishevelled, drenched and thoroughly pissed off Dennis staggers into the van. He is covered in mud and shit.

MAUDE (She starts looking disgusted, then bemused): What the hell happened to you?

(She now looks flabbergasted.)

DENNIS: Hell is right… all because of you and your pristine toilet. You wouldn’t believe what I’ve gone through.. The weather’s so much worse. I found a place that I thought was safe to take a crap. But I didn’t count on the river bursting its banks… and it happened when I was mid-shit as well. I’ve no idea how far I was carried before I managed to grasp onto one of the trees that were overhanging. It’s taken me this long to get back..

MAUDE: I hadn’t even realise how long you’ve been gone. Shut the door will you…

DENNIS: That’s charming…

MAUDE: Just what do you think you look like?

Maude laughs. Laughs hard. She is laughing so hard that she has to steady herself on the kitchen sink unit. Dennis stands there for a minute. The door is still open and water is starting to seep in from outside. The river has burst its banks. Maude is still laughing. Dennis lumbers up to her, his muddied shoes squelching on the sodden lino.

Dennis slaps Maude across the cheek. She falls on the kitchen top to the floor, dragging the cutlery drawer with her. Dennis looks at her on the floor and realises what he’s done. He bends down to help Maude back up. Maude grabs an apple corer blindly and stabs him with it. She screams as he jerks back. As he backs away he slips in the water that's flowing through the open driver's door. 

Dennis falls back hard. Maude scrabbles up and leaps at Dennis. She pins his legs and stabs him with the corer tool repeatedly. She has a pristine smile on her face as the muddied waters rise around her.

FADE OUT:

TITLE CARD: DENNIS AND MAUDE WENT CAMPING

A Touch Of Mink - an original screenplay

EXT. AGRICULTURAL COLLEGE - EARLY MORNING

Five individuals break into the agricultural college. Close to dawn. They are organised; with keys to the various rooms. Three men (NORMAN, TOM and NEIL) and two women (KELLY and SUE) all dressed in dark clothes. Their faces are covered up.  SUE and Tom split off into another building which is set aside from the main building. The other three run quietly into the breeding pens. Kelly and Norman carry bolt cutters. 

INT. BREEDING PENS. EARLY MORNING

They enter the building. There is a lot of noise coming from further inside.

NORMAN (Whispering harshly): What a fucking stench!

KELLY: Shut the fuck up. Keep talking to a minimum! We want to be out as soon as possible!

They can see eight cages in front, all full of mink. The mink are hissing and writhing, aware of the intruders. Their backs hunched.

NEIL: Why are they so quiet? Surely they should be squealing?

SUE: They all had their vocal cords cut; it’s more peaceful that way.

Sue walks to one of the cages, urges the other Norman to take the other pair of bolt cutters. They open seven of the cages. After opening each cage they step back and allow the mink to run out into the wild. As they attempt to open the last they hear a scream and shouts of horror coming from the other team. 

The remaining mink leaps at the metal of the cage, stunning the two men. One of them bites Sue's hand. The other mink escapes, making it hard for the men to help Sue. The two men struggle.  The mink finally releases its jaws and runs off. There are still shouts coming from the other building and the two men run off. Sue looks at the opened cages and then at her hand.

CUT TO:

INT. LABORATORY - EARLY MORNING

A makeshift laboratory in a renovated farm-building. A large cage; the type of desks found in a college laboratory. There are bags of feed; tubs of chemicals.

The two men run inside and see the mangled body of Kelly. Her throat has been torn out and there are bloodied furrows ripped into her body. The opened cage is covered in blood and Tom is cowering in the corner, staring at bloody footprints.  The bottom of the door has been torn to pieces. 

In the distance the sun can be seen to start rising.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

TITLE CARD: A TOUCH OF MINK

The song: Good Morning Freedom by Blue Mink starts playing.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

EXT. CAMPSITE - NIGHT

A family of three share a Lichfield Challenger tent. Mum and dad in their own sleeping bag, the young child in its own, reading a “Scream” horror comic. A small WH Smith Radio Cassette CR208 can be seen and is playing the final bars of “Good Morning Freedom”. There is a Coleman light next to the radio. (All of which should scream ‘1980’s’.)

RADIO ANNOUNCER: And that was Good Morning Freedom sung by Peters & Lee. Next up…

The radio is turned off by the mother.

MOTHER: We’ve got a big day tomorrow, dearest. Off to sleep!

CHILD: Night, night mummy. Night, night, daddy.

Both the parents say goodnight and the mother turns the light out. Silence. Complete silence. Rustling sounds are heard. Then chittering and hissing are faint but rapidly get louder. A mixture of squealing and squeaking is then heard, closer. The child wakes up the mum and dad as shapes press on the canvas of the tent. They hear screams coming from outside. The tent is RIPPED OPEN and their screams join the others.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE - MORNING

Parts of the campsite are a complete mess. Tents torn to bloody shreds whilst others are untouched, empty. There are lots of police. Lots of the police tape and a line of demarcation around the entire area. By-standers and local journalists jostle against the tape.

Two of them are WOOD and BYRNE. Wood is stern, thin, but looks vulnerable with sandy, wispy hair; badly coiffed. He wears small, round John Lennon style granny-specs. Byrne is a larger fellow with short, dark frizzy hair. He’s keen, sharp and disarmingly humorous. 

They are talking to one of the locals, an old man, by the cordon.

WOOD: Did you know anyone in the campsite?

LOCAL: I’d seen one of them last night. They had a lovely daughter. Crying shame!

BYRNE: What happened, do you think?

LOCAL: Not a clue. Haven’t seen anything like this for a…

The local stops himself. A police officer notices the two reporters and motions to them.

POLICEMAN : We don’t want you stirring things up round here. I know you’re just doing your job but now is not the time to do it. There will be an official statement later on. For now, just leave us time to process everything.

Byrne has been watching over the policeman's shoulder. He can see a couple of tents in the distance that haven’t been touched.

BYRNE: So why do you think this maniac chose those particular families to attack? Was this a series of random killings or was there a more arcane motive behind it?

POLICEMAN: That was no fucking maniac. That was an anim…

2ND POLICEMAN (SHOUTS): That’s enough, constable!

1ST POLICEMAN: You’ll have to wait for the official statement. Now clear off, the pair of you otherwise I’ll have you done for obstructing a Police Officer.

The two journalists look at each other, shrug their shoulders and walk off down the hill.

CUT TO:

INT. BYRNE’s CAR - MORNING

Byrne is driving, Wood looks at his notes.

BYRNE: I still don’t know how you get away with it!

WOOD: Pure charm, my friend.

BYRNE: Right from the school of Columbo, no doubt.

WOOD (Mimic’s Peter Falk): Now, there’s just one more thing… They do think it’s an animal related attack.

BYRNE: Rats?

WOOD: Could be. We must be due for another James Herbert book soon… but I don’t think it’s likely.

BYRNE: What do you think that old man was going to say? I thought it sounded like it had happened before.

WOOD: Hang on a minute. You might have something there. It should be in the research notes I made before we came out.

BYRNE: Swot!

WOOD: Four eyed twat!

They both laugh as Wood rummages through the notes in his small knapsack.

WOOD: Here we go. Edith Foyle. She doesn’t live that far away, near Amberley. She complained a while ago of her sheep being attacked.

BYRNE: Amberley here we come!

CUT TO:

INT. COTTAGE KITCHEN - MID MORNING

Edith Foyle’s cottage is remote, on a hill just outside the Amberley Chalk Pits. There is no neighbour within a mile or so. Wood and Byrne sit with Edith, drinking in her kitchen. A few empty wine bottles sit on the work top.

EDITH: It was never the same. No one believed us, even when they saw the sheep. We were accused of making it all up. Burt couldn’t take it, drove him to an early grave: heart attack.

WOOD: I’m sorry to hear that, Mrs Foyle. What did you say killed your sheep at the time?

EDITH (almost whispering): Mink.

BYRNE (caught off guard): MINK?

Edith nods once

BYRNE: Attacked your sheep?

Edith nods again.

WOOD (sees the wine bottles): Why don’t you tell us what happened?

EDITH: They were in the pasture. The field just beyond, over there.

(Points north)

EDITH: And it was late one evening. We could hear the sheep bleating in panic. We thought a fox was worrying them, trying to kill the lambs. Burt got dressed and went out with the shotgun. All I could hear were the sheep and Burt yelling! When I finally sees what’s happening I can’t believe it. Their fur was like bloodied silver. They ran for it after Burt tries shooting at them but they were too quick.We were lucky, they only killed four of the flock but it were never the same after that. No one believed us, and neither do you.

WOOD: We want to believe you, truly we do Mrs Foyle but we need proof.

BYRNE: If it ever happens again; and I hope to god it doesn’t; then you need to take a recording of it. Have you got a cassette recorder you can use? If not, we have a spare portable you can borrow. Here’s my telephone number. Please use it day or night should anything happen.

EDITH: Yes… I understand. Thank you for coming…

CUT TO:

EXT. NEXT TO BYRNE'S CAR - MORNING

Wood and Byrne shrug their shoulders and look back to the cottage

WOOD: It was worth a try.

BYRNE: Foiled again.

CUT TO:

INT. BYRNE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

The telephone rings. BYRNE fumbles for the light. It’s on the small bedside chest of drawers next to the bed. He finds it and turns it on. He then finds the telephone and drags himself into a position where he can answer it. It is a chunky ‘80’s phone

BYRNE: (rubs his eyes whilst answering) H… hello? Who is this?

There is an almighty ruckus from the other line. Lots of squealing; clawing and scratching sounds. Very loud. 

EDITH (Whispering but bordering on hysterical): You’ve got to come and get me, Mr Byrne. They’ve come back; all those months and they’re breaking into the cottage again. It won’t be long now. You’ve got to come and get me. Save me, please. You can hear them, can’t you? They’re right outside. It won’t be long at all. I’ve recorded them, just as your partner asked, Mr Byrne. I just hope it’s of…

Sounds of wood smashing. Loud squealing now, mixed with the screams of Mrs Foyle. The line goes dead.

CUT TO:

EXT. MRS FOYLE’S FARM - EARLY MORNING

Wood and Byrne arrive at the farm. The bottom of the farmhouse door is chewed to bits. They walk inside. Mrs Foyle has been torn to shreds, blood everywhere. She has only been partially eaten. They’re both almost sick and have to put handkerchiefs over their noses and mouths. Wood looks around cautiously. Byrne finds the cassette recorder in the sink. The tape is still inside it. Just then they hear a police siren in the distance.

WOOD (Whispering urgently): Is it there? 

BYRNE: Yeah. What’s that fucking stench? I thought she drank wine not fucking horses urine!

WOOD: Who cares what it smells of! Hide the tape; we might need it!

BYRNE: Where?

WOOD: Down your pants, they’re big enough.

Byrne ejects the tape from the recorder and shoves it down his jeans and into his y-fronts.

BYRNE: I’ll shove it up your arse if you’re not careful.

Byrne and Wood listen out for the siren but it’s more distant now.

BYRNE: I think we better get the flock out of here.

WOOD: That’s a little tasteless don’t you think?

BYRNE: Do you really want to stop and talk about morality and wait for the police, or shall we drive away from the scene of the crime?

Wood nods and they carefully make their way out of the cottage and to the car. It’s starting to get light. Wood is about to get into the car when he glimpses into the distance. There is slight movement by the border fence. 

WOOD (points): What the fuck is that?

BYRNE (Looking in the same direction): Where?

WOOD: Fuck sake - there… Wait, it’s gone now. It was the size of a dog!

BYRNE: t was probably Lassie, then! Look, I really do not want to have to explain to the police what we are doing here amongst a slaughter-fucking-house! Can we go now?

Wood nods and they drive off.

CUT TO:

INT. WOOD’S HOUSE - MORNING

Wood and Byrne sit in the kitchen with a cup of tea. They’re both in shock. 

BYRNE: I killed her. Me and my damn mouth. If I hadn’t asked her to record them then she might still be alive.

WOOD: Don’t be fucking daft. Neither of us believed her. She didn’t have to stay there. But we now owe it to her to find out what the fuck is going on. 

BYRNE: Pound to a penny that those poor fucking campers suffered a similar fate; and the yokel knew something.

Wood finds a cassette player. Byrne throws him the tape. Wood looks at it and grimaces before putting it in the machine.

WOOD: So did the police too; they’re covering something up… Just how far back do these attacks go!

Wood presses Rewind and then Play. The sound is a piercing shriek; deep and powerful.

BYRNE (almost falls from his chair): What the fuck was that? Give me warning next time your voice breaks, for fuck sake!

WOOD: (Rewinds the tape to the start) Sorry!

High pitched and frantic squeals are heard, then Mrs Foyle’s frightened sobs and breathing as she dials the rotary telephone. 

MRS FOYLE: You’ve got to come and get me, Mr Byrne. They’ve come back; all those months and they’re breaking into the cottage again. It won’t be long now. You’ve got to come and get me. Save me, please. You can hear them, can’t you? They’re right outside. It won’t be long at all. I’ve recorded them, just as your partner asked, Mr Byrne. I just hope it’s of…

Byrne and Wood stare at the cassette player. Her screams are heard amongst the squeals and banging, thrashing noises. There is the sound of the cassette player being thrown and rebounding in the sink. Mrs Foyle’s screams suddenly die down and all that can be heard is the squeals of the animals. 

Then there is the frightening sound from earlier. The other squeals sound more frantic and then they suddenly get quieter before silence

BYRNE: I say again… what the fuck was that?

CUT TO:

INT. LIBRARY - AFTERNOON

Wood is sequestered in the local library, at the microfiche reader, scrolling through old local news headlines. He finds an article from 1974 about a break-in and theft from an agricultural college but few actual details. 

WOOD (to himself): Break in or break out? 

He scrolls further until he reaches another article. This is about a break-in of a mink farm in Surrey by The Animal Liberation Front who released all the mink.

WOOD (muttering to himself): What if something went wrong during the College theft? What if they wanted to hush things up?

CUT TO:

EXT. ARUNDEL WETLANDS - AFTERNOON

Byrne is with a conservationist, CLIVE, walking around Arundel Wildfowl Trust.  They’ve both got waders on. Clive has got a backpack on.

CLIVE: …Protection… Look… I wouldn’t normally be interested in talking to the press, but I’ve also had run-ins with mink recently. They’ve been on the increase ever since those bastards at the Animal Liberation Front raided that mink farm. Hypocritical sods! Free one species but fuck all the others they come in contact with… and you can quote me on that!

Byrne does his best not to show alarm at this news. He’s made the same connection as Wood did and now is anxious to learn more.

BYRNE: I think we’re going to get along famously, Clive! I’ve got a recording that I want you to hear. It’s going to be distressing but it’s vital if you can identify the species.

Byrne plays the tape, with the volume low. Clive’s mouth drops and his eyes open wide in shock and horror. He’s deeply disturbed by the last thing he hears.

CLIVE: Mink… I’ve no doubt… I’d know that anywhere! But never that frantic before!

BYRNE: But what was that last roar?

There’s another series of squeals and shrieks.

CLIVE: You can turn that thing off now, thanks. I’ve heard enough!

BYRNE: (Looking at the tape machine) But it’s off… I turned it off!

CUT TO:

EXT. THE STREET - AFTERNOON

Wood knocks on the door of a terrace house. A man answers.

WOOD : Norman Glick? I’m sorry; I don’t have much time but I need you to tell me what happened on the night of the 15th June 1974 and why you were only prosecuted for burglary for a totally unrelated situation.

CUT TO:

INT. NORMAN GLICK’S KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Wood and Norman are in the kitchen. Norman is close to tears as he finishes recounting what happened that night. 

NORMAN: How were we to know what was there? We were told to free the mink. So we freed the fucking mink! We’d been tipped off by someone who worked in the college. Someone who knew part of what was happening there and was disgusted by the rumours.

WOOD: Did you get his name at all?

NORMAN: I found out later that his name was… Robert, something… (shakes his head suddenly) But that… thing… I never even saw it, just saw what it did to Sue.

WOOD: Only three of you were prosecuted though. There were five of you. Even if Sue sadly died, there was still the other woman… (Checks his notes) Kelly Thrower. What happened to her?

NORMAN: She… she died before the trial.

WOOD: She died? How?

NORMAN: She was bitten during the escape.

CUT TO:

EXT. ARUNDEL WETLANDS - AFTERNOON

Clive and Byrne now hear screams as they run forwards. Clive takes his backpack off and hands Byrne a can of pepper-spray. He holds another. Clive also has a hand-held air-horn.

In front they see a bird hide covered in writhing, translucent, gun-metal grey shapes. So many of them. The screams are coming from within. They both stop, unsure of what to do. Clive rummages around in his backpack and digs out a smoke bomb.

CLIVE: It pays to be prepared! I did my own research, just in case.

BYRNE: Glad you did!

Clive throws the smoke grenade at the shelter. It explodes; the bang and smoke frighten off the majority of the mink and they disperse in all directions. Four of them run towards the two men, fast. Two of them leap up at them but Byrne is ready with the pepper spray and frightens them off. A third leaps up and sinks its teeth into Byrne’s hand. Clive uses the air-horn on it. It releases its hold on Byrnr’s hand and runs away. The last one hunches its back and hisses at them before running away too. Clive looks at Byrne’s bleeding hand. 

CUT TO:

INT. NORMAN'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Norman is still telling Wood about the events following the break-in.

NORMAN: It all happened so quickly. It was deadly. Within a week she had organ failure; just wasted away. We thought it was rabies, a super-strain developed by the damn college but the Doctors swore blind it wasn’t. It was nothing they’d ever seen before.

WOOD: You ever find out what it was?

NORMAN: Yeah. I did my own research. I needed some kind of closure. It’s called Aleutian Disease, it was a parvovirus, whatever the fuck that is. Extreme weight loss, blood vessel inflammation and organ failure… and there is no known cure. All it took was one lousy bite.

FADE OUT:

INT. HOSPITAL WARD - EVENING

Wood rushes into the ward, after being told not to run in the corridors. He sees Byrne sitting up in bed, looking sheepish.

BYRNE: I really owe Mrs Foyle a huge apology. We were attacked by mink. MINK! They were swarming over a bird hide and if it wasn’t for Clive’s quick thinking. Clive was the Conservation chap… All of us would have been chopped meat! Sorry, I’m still high on the adrenaline. I can’t believe we survived!

Wood doesn’t respond. He can’t look Byrne in the eye. He just looks at Byrne’s wound, where he was bitten. 

BYRNE: What? Who died now? What is it? 

Wood tells Byrne what transpired with Norman, and what happened to the woman who got bitten in the mink farm raid. Up until now this has purely been in gesture and muted voices that are barely audible; then:

BYRNE: FUCK! Dirty little FUCKERS!

Everyone in the ward looks at him with dismay but Byrne is beyond caring.

BYRNE: How long have I got?

WOOD: I don’t know. Weeks, maybe?

BYRNE: We need to finish it. I don’t know how, but I don’t give a damn about the story any more. No one else should die because of this.

A man walks in; an overcoat covering most of his face. He pulls up a chair and sits next to Wood, facing Byrne. This is Robert.

ROBERT: I think I can help. 

CUT TO:

INT. PUB. EVENING

Rob is talking to Byrne and Wood. Byrne is drinking heavily, a couple of empty shot glasses next to his pint.

ROBERT: I know I should have told someone before now. I did try but it was always hushed up by the college with my reputation and job at stake.

BYRNE (slightly slurred): People were fucking dying!

ROBERT: I only recently found out. All the other incidents were hushed up. They said they were conducting their own investigations. But I wonder now whether they really bothered. If anyone found out what they’d been up to; the lengths they’d gone to alter the fur yield, the college would have faced legal action!

WOOD: Fucking hell. Is that all; and all the people that lost their lives? What about them?

BYRNE: But why now? Why us?

ROBERT: Because of what you said in the hospital… and I think I know how to get rid of them once and for all. I’ve got a plan.

CUT TO:

EXT. MRS FOYLE'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

The kitchen sits directly above the cellar. A reinforced door leads downstairs.Outside, another entrance leads directly into the cellar.

Montage of Robert, Byrne and Wood putting together a huge cage in the cellar. The police tape is still around and there is still the outline of her body in the kitchen. The rest of the cottage has been cleaned. 

The cellar door leading outside has been reinforced, apart from a makeshift tunnel. This leads to a reinforced cage. Inside the cage are frog carcases and crayfish; mice and rat guts.Bait for the mink.

The three men sit in the kitchen. Wood and Robert try not to look at the chalk outline. Byrne toasts it with the bottle of whiskey he’s holding.

Robert has bought a camping gas stove and three canisters of gas. The smell of gas is pungent. Suddenly the sound scrabbling at the outside of the cottage can be heard. They all look at each other anxiously.

BYRNE: You sure they can’t get in here? You’ve reinforced the kitchen door? Not that I care for myself, mind.

The cellar door tunnel gives out and they hear the mink squeal. They then hear the thrashing of the mink against the cage itself.

BYRNE: Got the fuckers! You sure they can’t escape?

ROBERT: I learnt the hard way what those things can escape from. Those bars are double the strength of the last lot, at least.

The sounds intensify and become extreme. There is a crashing sound from the cellar door and screeches from the mink. The thrashing sound against the cage becomes more frantic and a nightmare growl and the piercing, powerful shriek Byrne and Wood heard before.

The three of them dash to the joining door to the cellar and open it, switching on the light. It’s a charnel house; a writhing, bloody mess. The mink are being eviscerated by something impossibly large. The size of an Alsatian but sleeker; teeth tearing indiscriminately into its smaller brethren.

ROBERT (horrified): No! Fuck, please no. It can’t be! I thought it was a myth, something they made up!

The giant mink turns to the new sounds and sees the three men. It lets out another shriek and throws itself at the bars. The three of them run out into the kitchen, slamming and locking the door behind them.

BYRNE: Locking the door’s a great idea. We’re lucky it doesn’t have pockets to hide the key! 

WOOD: (Gripping Robert by the collar) What is it? What the fuck is it?

ROBERT: They wanted to create the perfect mink; gorgeous fur, denser and faster growing…

WOOD: How?

ROBERT: They studied nutritional science in order to accelerate its growth.

They hear the sounds of the cage being smashed.

BYRNE: What’s its favourite colour? Who the fuck cares! I say again: What are we going to fucking do?

Byrne looks around and sees the camping stove and canisters.

BYRNE: We cook the fucker! (points to the camping stove) Turn the gas on and light the fucking fire. The explosion should wipe the fucker out.

WOOD: And the cottage too! 

There is a thump on the door. The giant mink is throwing itself at the door in frustration and frenzy. It can then be heard chewing through the cellar door extremely quickly.

WOOD: It’s not going to hold much longer. I’ll go out and secure the cellar door outside. Stop them from escaping!

BYRNE: I’ll stop the fucker from escaping. Give me one of the bottles. I’ll hide in the larder. I’ve got my trusty fire lighters here. As soon as it gnaws through the door BANG! Toasted Mink.

Wood looks at Byrne. Wood understands what Byrne is going to do. Byrne nods and grins an evil grin.

ROBERT: I’ll put the other two canisters at different points to maximise the explosion.

Wood turns to Byrne.

WOOD: Four eyed twat.

BYRNE: Swot.

Byrne walks into the larder with the gas canister and turns it on as Wood walks out the door. 

Robert turns the valve on one and places it just away from the front door. He then runs back to the cellar door, releasing the valve on the other as he does so. He places it on the ground. The cellar door explodes outwards. The giant mink launches itself at Robert's prone body, knocking him over. It tears his throat apart. Byrne opens the door, sees the bloody mess.

BYRNE: Fuck!

Byrne slams the door as the giant mink leaps at it. It tears chunks out of the door as Byrne stares transfixed in the far corner. He grips the two ferro rods tightly. The gas seeps out from the canister. The mink charges through the splintered door. Byrne smashes the ferro rods together.

BYRNE:  I ain’t afraid of no….

Huge explosion. Flames surge into the sky, consuming the cottage. There is no sign of Wood.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE COTTAGE - NIGHT 

The fire is raging over the remains of the cottage. The blackness of the night is in sharp contrast to the purifying flames. 

“Our World” by Blue Mink fades in as the credits roll.

Who hates you (and why) - a screenplay

AUDIENCE SOUNDS - BLACK SCREEN

A murmur to start with. A chant barely audible but growing.The lights start to grow in intensity.

FADE IN: INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - NIGHT

The television studio is not large. It seats fifty or sixty people but it sounds as if there are a lot more people.

ANNOUNCER: It’s that time again! Who hates you and who do you hate to love? 

Suddenly a massive and garish sign flares up in neon. THE KUNT SHOW

AUDIENCE:  KUNT! KUNT! KUNT! KUNT!

Saul Kunt walks on stage exuding smarm and charm. His arrogance is personified. A mixture of Piers Morgan and Ryan Reynolds.

SAUL: Who do you love to hate?

AUDIENCE: KUNT KUNT KUNT KUNT!!!

SAUL: And he hates you too! Well, we’ve got so many victims tonight that I think you’re going to have an amazing time!

The audience starts jeering and cheering; whipped up into a spectacle.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Saul is walking alone. He is very watchful. He has every reason to be. It’s been raining and he can hear his footsteps splashing in puddles. It’s late and there aren’t many people around. Saul can hear footsteps behind him getting closer, the splashing sounding urgent, forceful. Saul instinctively walks quicker but the footsteps behind him don’t, they die down completely. He walks past an alleyway strewn with rubbish and broken furniture. A few seconds later and the footsteps are back and they’re right behind him now. Saul is about to turn around when he’s hit right in the back with a table leg. He falls into a puddle.

ATTACKER : You bastard. You think everything is there for you to rip apart. You and your damn show! You don’t care who you take apart, who you destroy. Well destroy this!

The attacker ineptly beats Saul with the table leg. There’s no real strength to the blows and Saul has rolled into a foetal position. Soon the attacker throws the chair leg at him and runs off. Saul painfully gets up from the puddle.

SAUL: Fuck… another grateful fan, no doubt… my admiring fucking public.

Saul is in a lot of pain and staggers to the nearest house.The gate is wooden and lightly peeling. There’s no doorbell but a brass knocker in the shape of a gargoyle. Saul bangs it three times. The door opens on the third and a non-descript chap with shaggy hair, sullen eyes and glasses opens it. This is GRAHAM.

SAUL: …And here is the man you love to hate…

Saul takes a few steps inside as Graham closes the door behind him. Graham can see the state of Saul and just lets him in. Once the door closes Saul throws up on the carpet and slides down the wall in pain.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

INT. GRAHAM’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Saul is sitting on an old 1980’s style MFI sofa. The lounge has a homely, lived in look.Everything is retro without being kitsch; it is genuine. Graham is sitting opposite him but as Saul wakes Graham walks off into the kitchen to get him a cup of chamomile tea.

Saul continues to look around him: Bookcases full of well-read books of all shapes and sizes. The ceiling is artexed. There is a small coffee table in front of him with a book of Trevor Grimshaw prints. In the corner is a record player-cabinet with horn. The most beautiful music is coming from it and Saul sits up to listen.

GRAHAM (From kitchen): That’s Elgar’s Cello Concerto.

SAUL:  Is that an original record player?

GRAHAM: Most of it. I updated it a little so it could play standard LP’s. Trying to get anything to play 78s is pretty nigh on impossible these days. It’s the shellac, modern needles damage them.

SAUL : 78s?

GRAHAM: The old gramophone records of the early 20th Century. So difficult to get these days anyways. Trying to get hold of anything… well, old, these days it is virtually impossible. There are still a few companies that use snail mail. I suppose most people would think of me as an old fogey!

SAUL (Mutters to himself): And the rest.

GRAHAM (Walks out, holding a tray with two cups of tea): Sorry, I didn’t quite get that.

SAUL: The music is beautiful. I don’t think I’ve heard anything like it before.

Graham places the tray on the table and hands Saul his cup. Graham looks surprised by Saul’s statement

GRAHAM: Really? This performance is particularly grand. Jacqueline de Pre is playing the cello. 

Saul is still looking at Graham with bemusement.

GRAHAM: Oh! I’m so sorry. After all the excitement I’ve not introduced myself! I don’t get many visitors.

Saul manages to stop himself from saying anything derisory and instead shakes Graham’s outstretched hand.

GRAHAM: My name’s Graham. Graham Cleverly. Learned to accept the burden of the surname. Used to get bullied for it at school but I’ve got used to it.

SAUL: I can relate to that. 

GRAHAM: Oh, why’s that then?

Saul is bemused and leans back into the comfy sofa.

SAUL: Do you not know who I am then?

GRAHAM: Sorry, old bean; should I?

SAUL: I’m quite famous… or should I say infamous.

GRAHAM: Ah, infamy. I once heard that fame was fickle like a woman. (chuckles) She has to be courted and wooed, brought gifts and seduced but she can turn on you in an instant! (GRAHAM snaps his fingers)

SAUL: I’ve not heard that before but it’s very apt! Well, my name is Kunt.

There is no reaction from Graham, not even from the actual word itself.

SAUL: Saul Kunt? Have you really not heard of me? 

Graham shakes his head sheepishly.

SAUL: I’m rather big on tv; and even bigger online.

Graham shrugs again.

SAUL: On the internet. You know?

GRAHAM (Shakes his head): And therein lies the problem, old chap. I have neither a television or a computer!

Saul looks around him. He’s not noticed that before now and, there is no television; no computer. Just the record player and books.

SAUL (despite himself): Well, fuck me.

CUT TO:

INT. GRAHAM’S KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

It’s another day. Both Graham and Saul are wearing different clothes and for every piece of dialogue there is a change of day; a change of clothes, etc. Saul has finally found someone he can talk to. 

GRAHAM (Mid-conversation): …burglars would take two minutes to check the place out and realise that there’s nothing worth stealing. There’s nothing modern that looks as if it’s worth anything, so why worry?

SAUL: Well, when you put it like that…

CUT TO:

INT. GRAHAM’S LOUNGE - AFTERNOON

SAUL: …still can’t get over the fact that you have no idea of who I am.

GRAHAM: What is it that Joe Masteroff wrote? “Leave your troubles outside! So—life is disappointing? Forget it! In here, life is beautiful!”

(SAUL Laughs)

GRAHAM: Ok, maybe not beautiful but you get my gist. I don’t care about who you are ‘outside’. That’s not you, anyway.

Saul rubs his chin and wonders.

CUT TO:

GRAHAM: Everything has become so trivial today, and I think that television is to blame for that.

SAUL (Saul laughs good-naturedly): You might have something there, Graham. You really might!

CUT TO:

INT. GRAHAM’S LOUNGE - NIGHT

Graham is unwrapping a present. It’s a portable CD player with a few classical music cd’s including a box set of Jacqueline de Pre. 

SAUL: Happy Birthday, Graham. 

Graham looks confused. 

SAUL: It’s so you can carry your music around with you!

There’s now various electrical devices scattered on the shelves. A digital clock; a top of the line radio; electric lamps. No television though still. There is a barely discernible hum though.

GRAHAM: You really shouldn’t Saul. You buy me enough already and it’s really not necessary. We’re friends. It’s not as if I can repay you either.

SAUL: You don’t need to.

GRAHAM: And nor do you.

SAUL: I don’t think you understand, Graham. I can be myself here, with you. That’s a luxury I never knew I had until we met. I wish more people could know you as I do.

CUT TO:

INT. CORPORATE OFFICES - MORNING

Saul sits across a desk with his producer, CLive and researcher, Steph. 

SAUL : I want to do something different with the next show.

CLIVE : Different is bad, Saul. You know that. This format works. Steph researches the guests, you rip them to shreds! Gold!

STEPH: And people line up to be on the show! Well, they’re put up to it most of the time…

SAUL: I'm not sure I want to do that any more. I’ve changed, Clive. I want to be like Michael Parkinson or Terry Wogan. Serious chat-show hosts.

STEPH: Who?

CUT TO:

INT. GRAHAM’S KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Saul and Graham are sharing a cup of tea. Graham is using the eclectic kettle that Saul bought him. Graham is looking a bit disheveled.

SAUL: Are you still having trouble sleeping?

GRAHAM: It’s the electric clock you got me; the glow of the numbers takes a bit of getting used to… But what were you saying?

SAUL: I want to put you on my chat show. I want other people to get to know you as I do.

GRAHAM: And why do you want to do that? What’s wrong with what we’ve got now?

SAUL: No one else seems to understand. They see a change in me… because of you… your influence… and they just don’t get it. If more people knew you, then they might… get it.

GRAHAM: But?

SAUL: My producer wants to meet with you first. He’s a very skeptical man.

GRAHAM: Meeting you is fine, there is no pressure for me to be anyone else. I don’t think the same will be true when I’m out with your other friends.

SAUL: He’s my producer, not my friend.

CUT TO:

INT. A COFFEE SHOP - MORNING

Saul and Graham sit opposite Steph and Clive. Graham is uncomfortable. He’s wearing clothes that are out of date, but still smart. Saul is trying to encourage him to talk. Clive is quiet, rubbing right thumb against his fingers. Steph is trying not to laugh. Graham is unaware of how he sounds to them.

GRAHAM: It suits me fine though… not having a computer, I mean.. Life moves far too fast for me out there. I can’t keep up. There’s no getting to know each other, not really. Everything’s on show, everything’s for sale. Everything and everybody is commented on all the time and there’s no time to develop oneself. It’s all instant ego gratification and I refuse to live in that kind of world.

CUT TO:

Saul and Clive are paying the bill at the counter whilst Steph is talking to Graham. Clive nudges Saul.

CLIVE: I love it. It’s so calculated it’s fucking mean. Where’d you find him? This is going to be abso-fucking amazing.

SAUL (shocked): What? No! It’s genuine, Clive! He’s an amazing guy. I tell you, more people need to be like him.

CLIVE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. If this is it; if this is really a sting then it’s a green light. If you are being genuine then it’ll be the last thing you ever do.

CUT TO:

INT. SAUL’S FLAT - NIGHT

Saul is on the phone to Graham. Graham sounds faint and spaced out, he can’t get used to talking on the telephone. There’s also the sound of static on the line.

SAUL: You need to have the mouthpiece closer to you, Graham; bloody hell.

GRAHAM: I really don’t think this is a good idea. You sound more stressed now than what you did yesterday!

SAUL: You don’t understand show business. It’s like being a spy the whole time, like being in that book you lent me: Orwell’s 1984. I have to toe the company line and even though I’m quite an influential person on television I’m still living on a knife edge, trying to keep up a cover story. Everyone wants a piece of who they think you are and there’s not enough of the real me to go around any more. I’ve lost sight of who that is, actually. Which is why I’m grateful to have met you.

GRAHAM: There’s a lot of it about, then.

SAUL: What’s that then?

GRAHAM: People being daft.

SAUL: More than you know, Graham. More than you know. Anyway; you need an early night. It’s the big day tomorrow.

CUT TO:

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - NIGHT

The studio is packed. Graham is nervous, fidgeting. Saul is trying to look cool.

SAUL: Stop fidgeting, you’re making me nervous!

GRAHAM: Sorry. Maybe this was a bad idea.

The theme music starts and the crowd goes wild, clapping and jeering. But there is no fanfare this time; no voice over. The audience starts with their change of: “KUNT KUNT” but Saul motions for them to be quiet. The lights shine down on him as he stands up and walks to the front of his little set. Graham is not in the spotlight yet. He’s still in the shadows.

SAUL: (Speaking in his normal voice, albeit louder) People seem to think that it’s impossible for a man to change. Anyone can change if they’re given the chance, and luckily I was given that chance! I never realised that there was more to life than this. This chap here saved my life.(points to Graham and sits down next to him)

A few people get up out of their chairs and leave.

SAUL: In more ways than one… he didn’t do anything particularly heroic, but what he did was to open the door to a complete stranger and show him unconditional kindness. These last three months he’s continued to show me that same kindness as he’s opened his doors to me time and time again. He’s one of the most caring and thoughtful individuals that I’ve ever come across. (Graham blushes and fidgets some more) I’ve learnt things through Graham and believe that I’m becoming a better man. I sleep better and understand people more. He’s my friend and I want you all to meet him.

The spotlight shines on to Graham who puts his hand over his eyes briefly before remembering what Saul told him. A few more people get up and leave. Clive looks disgruntled and shakes his head in disbelief.

SAUL: True, Graham is a slice of yesteryear. But he is so refreshing and was quite an eye opener to me, I can tell you! I wouldn’t say that he’s out of touch with us today but in some ways he’s remembered things that we’ve forgotten. But he’d never seen a CD before I played him one, let alone heard of music downloads. He still has a record player, would you believe! What do you think of the difference though, Graham?

GRAHAM (Coughs):I still prefer vinyl. It has a much warmer sound. It’s more intimate.

There are a few chuckles of derision from the audience.

SAUL: It’s true; he does still prefer to listen to the records… and the bizarre thing is that he’s right! I started listening to some of his albums and they do sound so much richer and warmer. How can that be? Mind you, he didn’t even have a TV! Can you believe that! Why don’t you have a television set, Graham? You don’t even use the one that I bought you won’t even let me buy you one!

A few more people walk out with tuts and sighs.

GRAHAM (Really nervous and wooden):  I don’t have any need for it…I read, listen to the records…

Saul has seen the people leaving now and is a little shaken by what is happening. He carries on though, trying to salvage the conversation.

SAUL: Funny enough, I don’t miss it either when I’m at your place. We talk most of the time and listen to music. You’re so knowledgeable as well, Graham. I could talk to you for hours! How so?

GRAHAM: Because I don’t watch TV?

CUT TO::

Clive, standing in the wing of the studio.

CLIVE (mutters to himself): That’s going to hurt the ratings.

CUT TO:

Saul is more nervous now. He’s seen Clive and Clive is making the sign of slitting his throat.

SAUL: Well… you certainly read more than many people. Most of the books must be from libraries, I guess? What do you think of the plan to shut down more libraries?

GRAHAM: Well.. I heard someone say that it was possible to determine the degree of civilisation by the way they treated their books. Our libraries are falling into disarray; they’re old, dusty buildings and the books are often in a really bad way.

There’s an audible sigh and groan from the audience. Clive has his head in his hands and more people are leaving.

GRAHAM: I don’t interact with people, as you.. ahem.. know. I just can’t. They live by the sound bite, short twittered attention spans, no depth to their lives. Books are an investment into one's soul, allowing the individuals to grow, but all I see are stunted people everywhere.

Saul sees more people leaving. Clive is about to storm the set and turn the lights off. Saul looks at Graham fidget, looks at the audience.

SAUL (in his stage voice): Talking of stunted people, tweetie pie! You’re the latest victim of THE KUNT!

There is now an audible gasp from the audience. Those that were in the process of leaving suddenly rush back to their seats. There’s a palpable round of applause and Clive is really surprised and delighted by this turn of events. Graham doesn’t know what to think, he just looks at Saul for confirmation of what’s happening. Saul will not look at him.

SAUL: Would you believe this guy? He doesn’t have a television. He didn’t have a microwave, until I gave him one. He didn’t even have a radio or an electric alarm clock until I gave him one. He still doesn’t have a girlfriend and I’m certainly not giving him one of those.

Saul is on a roll. He insults every aspect of Graham’s life and has never been so savage before. Graham just sits there and takes it.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

EXT. THE STREET OUTSIDE GRAHAM’S HOUSE - NIGHT

The night after the biggest show of Saul’s life. He’s reading the news on his mobile about how he engineered the biggest coup in internet and broadcasting history. He doesn’t look happy though. He comes to Graham’s house and stops. The gate is broken. There is a dustbin visible and inside are all the electrical items that Saul bought him, including the boxes. There are cords trailing outside, and the lid isn’t on properly so we can see a toaster, or the cd player… The windows have boards against them where someone has tried breaking them. The words “SPECCY TWAT” are spray-painted on the door. Saul ponders whether or not to knock on the door. He hears Jacqueline de Pre playing faintly from within. He then hears someone walking on the opposite side of the street to him.

PASSER-BY: (SHOUTS) Who loves you, Kunty baby?!

SAUL (SHOUTING BACK): Who hates to love you back?

Saul continues walking through the night-time streets.

FADE OUT:

The Buddy Story - A Screenplay

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

A smokey, dingey third-rate comedy club. The club has barely anyone inside: a couple at the bar and two or three sitting closer to the stage. There is silence because BUDDY is dying on stage; his tight fitting suit seems to be winning the battle for breath. He holds the microphone like he’s trying to throttle it. Behind BUDDY is a battered sign on an easel: “THE BUDDY PARSNIP SHOW”.

BUDDY (Talking into the microphone):Why is a martyr like the Grateful Dead? They're both stoned?

Absolute silence from the audience, maybe an embarrassed cough.

BUDDY: Manic depressives make the best pilots! Why? They're already flying solo.

A couple of people look at each other in confusion.

BUDDY: I used to have a drinking problem... I tried drinking gasses instead of liquids!

Another patron throws a plastic bottle at Buddy and it hits him on the chest.

AUDIENCE MEMBER (Shouts): YOU SUCK!

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: THE BUDDY STORY

INT. DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT

Buddy sits alone in the backstage communal dressing room. He stares at himself in the mirror. His reflection winks back just as Mr O'Flattery opens the door. He walks up to Buddy and slaps him on the shoulder.

Mr O'Flaterry is overbearingly small. 

MR O'FLATTERY: Well, you done it again, pal! Well done. I knew I could really rely on you!

BUDDY: I bombed! Again! You heard them out there…

MR O'FLATTERY: That’s what I like best about your act, kid! You manage to clear the house every time you're on! Tuesdays and Thursdays I have a hard time getting rid of the drunks; but the nights that you're on they just get up and leave!

Buddy slumps deeper into his chair and stares at his reflection. His reflection grimaces briefly.

MR O'FLATTERY: Look, business was crap before you got here and you haven't made it any worst!But I swear that some people come in just to see how bad you are! At least they’re never disappointed.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Buddy stands outside his front door. He sees the light in the lounge window is on. He grimaces as he carefully puts the key in the lock as quietly as he can manage. He slowly unlocks the front door and silently shuts it behind him.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

He then fumbles his keys and drops them on the floor.

JANGLING CRASH

BUDDY'S MOTHER (An almost manly voice. Menacing but laced with paranoia):Buddy? What time do you call this? You never tell me where you're going or when you'll be back... don't you care about me? Don't you care?

Buddy takes his shoes off in the hall, shaking his head; cowed by his mother once again. 

CUT TO:

INT. LOUNGE - NIGHT

Buddy walks into the lounge. His mother sits on a sofa opposite the television. She has a mug of horlicks on the reading table next to her. She is tall and thin. She is incredibly strong in being weak.

Buddy stands by the door at the edge of the room. He stares at his mum with resignation and hostility.

BUDDY: Mum, for Christ's sake, I'm 36 years old.. I can take care of myself.

BUDDY'S MUM: You can take care of yourself but you don't take care of me! What did I do to deserve such a son?

Buddy sighs.

BUDDY: Mum! For Christ’s sake: I do look after you, well.. I would if you let me. I pay more than enough rent and I try to take you out.

BUDDY'S MUM: I don't want to go outside where all the people are, you never know where they've been! They're too nosey, inconsiderate.. You should stay with me, we could watch television!

BUDDY: Mum – I'm tired, I'm going to bed.

BUDDY'S MUM: Why don't you tell me where you go at night? Is there a woman? Oh, please let there be a woman!

BUDDY: Don't worry, mum -I'm fine!

BUDDY’S MUM: So, there is a woman then?

BUDDY: NO! There's no woman!

BUDDY'S MUM: Are you ashamed of me? Is that why you don’t bring her back?

BUDDY: For the last time. There's no woman, there’s no man… and there are no sheep! But yes - I am ashamed of you. Now good night!.

Buddy turns, walks out the door before his mother has a chance to reply.

CUT TO:

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

Another night. Less people than before. Mr O’Flattery looks bemused due to the poor quality of jokes. Buddy at the mic.

BUDDY: What’s the stupidest insect? An ignorant! What’s worse than that though? A sycophant!!

BUDDY'S MUM (Shouts from the back of the room): BUDDY! What are you doing here? I was sick with worry.

Buddy is shocked. His mouth is open and he is in a state of disbelief. The few customers are suddenly more awake and paying attention.

BUDDY (choked): Mum?

Buddy’s mum is walking fast from the back of the room.

BUDDY'S MUM: I thought you were dead in a ditch somewhere! Or in a hospital somewhere… or with a woman. I was hoping it was with a woman… or even a man would have been better than this!

The audience, as it is, is paying rapt attention to what is happening. There are smirks and even titters of laughter can be heard.

BUDDY: What are you doing here, Mum?

BUDDY'S MUM: What do you think I'm doing here? I followed you! Why are you making such a sucker out of yourself? Why couldn't you have been with a woman? Even a whore... Anything would have been better than this!

Buddy panics, looks at the audience. The audience is enjoying this. He looks at Mr O’Flattery. Mr O’Flattery grins and gives him the thumbs up. 

BUDDY: Drummers make the worst cryptologists… Why? They’re always crashing their cymbals?

BUDDY'S MUM: Why couldn't it have been a woman?

The audience laughs loudly and Buddy looks utterly defeated.

CUT TO:

INT. BUDDY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

His bedroom is actually smaller than the shared dressing room of the comedy club. The cramped single bed is snug in the far corner. There are posters of Eddie Murphy; Dustin Hoffman (as Lenny Bruce); Tommy Cooper and Jasper Carrott. Buddy is sitting on the edge of his bed, facing his reflection in the built-in mirrored wardrobe. His face is stalwart; his brow is furrowed in frustration. His reflection is frowning, gnashing his teeth. His reflection starts talking. Buddy’s mouth remains shut.

BUDDY'S REFLECTION: She’s done it again; ruined everything. I can’t take it anymore. She’s got to go… But how?

BUDDY: Garrote?

Buddy’s reflection shakes his head.

BUDDY: Push her downstairs?

Another shake of the head.

BUDDY: Freak gardening accident? Swallowing powdered glass?

BUDDY'S REFLECTION: Her cooking is worse, remember?

Silence. Buddy is fuming now. 

BUDDY: GAH! They thought she was brilliant! They never paid that much attention to me before!

BUDDY'S REFLECTION: You were the perfect double-act. They loved the conflict… It’s a shame you can’t make her take part…

BUDDY: Hang on a fucking minute… Maybe I can…

CUT TO:

INT. BEHIND THE STAGE AT THE COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

Buddy is waiting to go on. He has a stool with him and a suitcase by his side. Mr O’Flattery walks up behind him, beaming.

MR O'FLATTERY: It's a full house, kid! People must have heard of your ball-breaking. They've turned up in droves to see if she turns up again. so… will she?

BUDDY: She might… she just might…

INT. STAGE - NIGHT

Buddy walks on to the stage, carrying his case and stool. He sets the case on the floor next to the stage and starts his act.

BUDDY: What’s the smallest piece of stationery you can get? A PINcel sharpener! 

Somebody boo’s.

BUDDY: What would Doctor Who be if he lived under the sea? A brine lord!

Another boo from the crowd.

BUDDY: What is it when you throw a cat back at someone? A recatipulated catapult!

CROWD - MIXED VOICES: BOO! Get OFF the stage!! Where’s your mum?!

Everyone laughs at this last comment.

SUITCASE (Buddy jostles the suitcase with his foot. The voice is just like his mothers!): BUDDY!!

The audience goes silent. Everyone looks to the back of the room. No one is there.

SUITCASE: Buddy! Let me out!

Mr O’Flattery puts the club lights on.

SUITCASE: Let me out of this fucking suitcase!

Laughter from the audience. Buddy picks the suitcase up with some difficulty.

BUDDY: Oh shit. I’m for it now!

More laughter. Buddy opens the suitcase, whips out the caricatured puppet of his mother. Cheers from the audience.

MOTHER PUPPET: Who the hell are they, Buddy? This isn’t some kind of orgy, is it? Why can’t you live a normal life like that Mr O’Fattery over there.

A bout of laughter. O’Flattery laughs from the side of the stage.

BUDDY: Muuuum… Don’t say that, it’s Mr O’Flatterly.. I mean, O’Flattery!! You’re going to get me fired!

MOTHER PUPPET: Just when you’re finally getting an audience? This must be the first time they’re laughing WITH you rather than at you…

More laughs.

MOTHER PUPPET (to the audience): I’m so glad you’re here though. I’ve been very worried about him. For years I’ve thought there was something wrong with him… but he’s finally got wood AND been able to give someone else a really good fingering.

BUDDY (feigning embarrassment): Muuuum…

FADE OUT:

MONTAGE

Clips of Buddy performing over a series of nights; the audience getting larger. Always performing with MOTHER. Mr O’Flattery beaming wide, counting the money; Buddy getting paid more and more money.

MOTHER PUPPET: Clean out your room! It’s like a rat's nest!

BUDDY: I’m not surprised. You won’t let me out of the basement and the rats don’t want to share!

MOTHER PUPPET: Are you one of those mono-sexuals?

BUDDY

Only if my right hand counts!

CUT TO:

INT. COMEDY CLUB BAR - NIGHT

Buddy is relaxing at the bar when a very attractive woman walks up to him. 

MANDY: I love your act… you’re so funny!

MOTHER PUPPET VOICE: Watch out for this one… she looks like a gold-digger.

BUDDY: She’s not after your gold-fillings, mum. Shut up!

MANDY (laughs): You’re so funny! Maybe we can go out sometime?

CUT TO:

MONTAGE

Buddy and Mandy walking together, happily. Buddy throws his voice at different times.

CUT TO:

INT. THEATER - EVENING

Buddy sits with Mandy in the more expensive seats. He winks at Mandy.

BUDDY (Throwing his voice, at no one in particular): Hey, Baldy! Shush! Just zip it!

Everyone turns to look at each other, as does Buddy.

CUT TO:

EXT. THE PARK - MORNING

Mandy and Buddy are sitting down eating sandwiches next to a pond. Buddy is talking to Mandy about his puppets having dry rot. 

MANDY: What? Did you say something, Buddy? I wasn’t listening… 

She points to an elderly couple that’s about to walk past.

MANDY: Go on… here’s your chance! Get them! Make them think they’re hearing voices.

Buddy sighs. The penny has dropped.

CUT TO:

INT. COMEDY CLUB STAGE - NIGHT

Buddy is on stage with his mother puppet. There is another suitcase on the floor next to him. Mandy is in the audience. All of a sudden the routine just stops. The mother puppet just looks at Buddy and then down at the audience.

MOTHER PUPPET: Ok, where is she? Where is the cradle snatching, money grabbing whore?

The audience are holding their breath in anticipation. This is something new. 

SAMMI PUPPET: How dare you!

Buddy reaches down with his other hand. Opens the suitcase and another puppet is produced. This is Sammi; a very rude caricature of Mandy. Mandy gasps in horror.

SAMMI PUPPET: You miserable old windbag! You termite ridden harridan!

MOTHER PUPPET: Buddy! Are you going to let her get away with that?

BUDDY: What can I do? I haven’t got any hands free!

The audience is laughing hard now. Mandy is sobbing and gets up. She walks away crying. Buddy doesn’t notice her. The Sammi puppet does though and jiggles up and down, as if it's laughing.

CUT TO:

EXT. COMEDY CLUB EXTERIOR - NIGHT

A large, gaudy poster of Buddy holding the mother puppet. “THE BUDDY SHOW!” and then in smaller letters: “Comedy is not the only thing that's wooden!”

CUT TO:

INT. COMEDY CLUB STAGE - NIGHT

Buddy is on stage. On one hand is the Sammi puppet. On the other is a new creation; a crude version of Buddy. 

The puppet of Buddy is on the left hand; Sammi on the other. They are on either side of Buddy and can’t see each other. The Buddy puppet peers over to Sammi and when the Sammi puppet peers back he disappears behind Buddy, embarrassed.

SAMMI PUPPET: Are you interested in ornithology?

BUDDY PUPPET: I’m not sure, why?

SAMMI PUPPET: Because I’d love to see your little woodpecker!

Both puppets ‘kiss’ and get ‘naked’. They start having sex.The audience is a little bemused by this. The humping becomes more strenuous then:

SAMMI PUPPET: Buddy?

BUDDY PUPPET: Whaaat?

SAMMI PUPPET: Why does your mum hate me?

BUDDY PUPPET: She doesn't, sweetie. She just doesn't understand you.

SAMMI PUPPET: That’s alright then.

The rhythm resumes its intensity. It suddenly stops again.

SAMMI PUPPET: Buddy?

BUDDY PUPPET: What now?

SAMMI PUPPET: I was thinking… Maybe we should get married?

BUDDY PUPPET (looks at audience): Well, I’ve lost wood!

CUT TO:

INT. DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT

Buddy is alone in his dressing room. It’s a large one now. The door slams open. His mother enters, enraged. She’s holding the puppet of herself.

BUDDY'S MOTHER: What the hell is this, Buddy? What do you call this? What is happening?

Buddy’s mother slams the door behind her. She throws the puppet at Buddy.

BUDDY: Be careful with that?

BUDDY'S MOTHER (shouting): Be careful? What about me? Do you know what other people are saying about me? They think it's all outrageously funny and obviously thought I knew about it!

Buddy’s mother is enraged. Buddy gets up and tries to get away.

Buddy’s mother goes to grab him by the lapels but he pushes her away. She slaps him hard against the cheek.

BUDDY'S MOTHER: Stand still, boy! You’re such a selfish brat; I can’t believe I’ve looked after you all this time! And this is what you do to me!

Buddy is backed into a corner now and rubs his cheek where he was slapped. He tries to ward his mother off but she lunges for him again. 

Buddy pushes her back hard and she stumbles.

Buddy looks to the make-up table and sees a pair of nail scissors. He brandishes them against her.

BUDDY (in his Buddy puppet voice):That’s it! I can’t stand it anymore! You’re for the wood chipper!

Buddy starts stabbing his mother with the nail scissors. She screams out, falls and blocks the door. Buddy just keeps stabbing. There are knocks on the door from Mr O’Flattery.

MR O'FLATTERY: Hey! What’s going on in there?

BUDDY: I’m just rehearsing for the next show!

MOTHER PUPPET: Oh no you’re not!

BUDDY PUPPET: Shut up! It’s not funny!

BUDDY'S MOTHER (interrupting with a scream):Help! He’s really killing me!

BUDDY: Shut up! Why won’t you fucking die!

Mr O’Flattery tries pushing the door but Buddy’s mother is still blocking it.

MR O'FLATTERY: I’m getting the police!

BUDDY PUPPET: You’re for it now!

CUT TO:

INT. OUTSIDE THE DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT

The police are outside the dressing room. They pound on the door.

BUDDY PUPPET VOICE: I told you! I’m rehearsing!

POLICE: Open up, or else we’ll have to break down the door.

Buddy opens the door. He stands to one side. The police walk in. There is a large suitcase in the corner. There is a trail of  blood leading to it. The suitcase is almost closed. Arms and legs protrude from it.

BUDDY: Look at it this way. I’ve got perfect material for the comeback!

FADE OUT: