Thursday, 4 May 2017
“If he leans and nods when he sings Teo Torriatte then I know that he knows.” That was my life for too many years; I always knew that it was meant to be and in that moment I knew that he felt it too. It was written in the stars, just he said in his songs.
I was to be your Fairy Queen and when I saw you that first night at the Rainbow, I knew that you knew it too. You hid yourself behind the showman’s façade even then; the disguise almost perfect but I saw you for who you really were. And I could see that you knew that; you saw me that night, looked into my eyes and I felt that electricity pass between us. You took a step back, and I saw it register on the other members of the band, it was so powerful; that night changed both our lives. It was a split second moment and could so easily have been misconstrued but I could see it for what it really was. We were linked; star crossed lovers in a world that would never understand.
Of course, there was no way that you could let the world know about us, but you made it clear how you really felt in your songs. There were often allusions to things that only we would know about, even when they were written by other people, it was the way that you sang it; the emphasis that you placed on certain words.
I knew that you had been in love and had been hurt so deeply, you made it plain when you sang “Love of my life”. Had it not been for that night you might well have locked yourself away; never allowed yourself to love again. But I could tell that you felt the same way as me when I listened to you singing “You take my breath away”, the first song that you wrote after that night. If only you knew how my heart soared upon hearing those lyrics for the first time. The love was almost spiritual, and I felt exactly the same.
In those early months that was enough for me, no one even came close, but it became harder and harder to sustain. I would see you as often as I could afford and it didn’t matter where I sat you found me; moved provocatively to me and I would feel like a schoolboy again. My first crush.
But then the inevitable happened, I met someone at the Earls Court concert. In any other time no one would have gotten a look in, but I was so lonely, needed some affection; some tenderness so bad that we saw each other regularly. We even went to your gigs together and I know that hurt; you thought that I was doing this to you out of spite, but I didn’t. Your songs even reflected the way you felt: “My melancholy blues” and “Dreamer’s ball”…
But the relationship didn’t last, he never held me in his sway like you did; and he knew that. He even tried to issue me an ultimatum –him or you. So I chose the fantasy over the reality.
From then I was in a state of shock, I went on from one night stand to one night stand; and I sometimes wonder whether you sang “Another one bites the dust” to get back at me; you could be so bitchy sometimes… but you regretted even that. “Need your loving tonight” made it clear that you were sorry… but I didn’t care. It certainly didn’t stop me; was I really trying to hurt you that badly? Was that why you wrote “Back chat” to get under my skin?
Had that been the only song on the album I think I would’ve ended it there. I could quite easily have turned my back on you but “Las palabras de amor” melted my reserve and made me realise just how much you did care. “Under pressure” made me realise just what you were up against and how much you really needed me and my support; your life was so tough, my love, you had to endure too much. I wanted to comfort you, to show you that someone else cared and loved you for who you were. Yours was a tortured soul and no one else understood. Songs like “A hard life”, “Made in heaven”, and “Man made paradise” broke me up inside. I felt your pain and I could tell that meant a lot to you; I WAS born to love you, and you felt the same too.
It must have been then that you found out the awful truth; of course you couldn’t let on, you certainly weren’t going to tell me what was going on, but I could tell that something had changed. Your songs got darker, more poignant. The way you sang “Who wants to live forever”, it was as if you were coming to grips with your own mortality the only way you knew how.
I saw you at Live Aid, saw you at Wembley; never knowing that it would be the last time for that magic to happen. Then everything when quiet for years; I trawled the newspapers, the TV, for a sight of you; discounting all of the tabloid back-stabbing, but I resolved myself that I would stay strong for you; still send you my love and it paid off: your affirmations in “The miracle” made everything worthwhile.
But I didn’t want to face the fact that there was anything wrong; even though it was apparent in the music video’s. You were looking so haggard, my love, its painful to watch them now; but I couldn’t accept it then. By the time Innuendo was released I knew that it was too late and the dichotomous nature of “I can’t live with you” summed it up perfectly; I knew that our love could never be, at least in this lifetime. You knew that too, and in a way you were telling me not to give up hope. The words to “Bijou” were like a parting gift to me; gave me so much to live for.
I still can not believe that twenty years have passed … that you have been gone from my life for that amount of time. My heart broke that morning I found out and realised that the world had lost such a gifted soul, and I had lost my truth. When my brother died I could not find it in myself to cry, yet for you I wept the whole day, I was inconsolable. It felt as if my whole world would break in two. Never had I been so close to ending it. The only thing that stopped me was your final words on the “Show must go on”; and when they realised the video to “These are the days of our lives” I was finally able to see you say the words in death that I had waited a lifetime to witness: “I love you”.
I love you too, Freddie; and I will go on loving you until we meet again for we truly are destined to spend the rest of our lives together.