AUDIENCE SOUNDS - BLACK SCREEN
A murmur to start with. A chant barely audible but growing.The lights start to grow in intensity.
FADE IN: INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - NIGHT
The television studio is not large. It seats fifty or sixty people but it sounds as if there are a lot more people.
ANNOUNCER: It’s that time again! Who hates you and who do you hate to love?
Suddenly a massive and garish sign flares up in neon. THE KUNT SHOW
AUDIENCE: KUNT! KUNT! KUNT! KUNT!
Saul Kunt walks on stage exuding smarm and charm. His arrogance is personified. A mixture of Piers Morgan and Ryan Reynolds.
SAUL: Who do you love to hate?
AUDIENCE: KUNT KUNT KUNT KUNT!!!
SAUL: And he hates you too! Well, we’ve got so many victims tonight that I think you’re going to have an amazing time!
The audience starts jeering and cheering; whipped up into a spectacle.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Saul is walking alone. He is very watchful. He has every reason to be. It’s been raining and he can hear his footsteps splashing in puddles. It’s late and there aren’t many people around. Saul can hear footsteps behind him getting closer, the splashing sounding urgent, forceful. Saul instinctively walks quicker but the footsteps behind him don’t, they die down completely. He walks past an alleyway strewn with rubbish and broken furniture. A few seconds later and the footsteps are back and they’re right behind him now. Saul is about to turn around when he’s hit right in the back with a table leg. He falls into a puddle.
ATTACKER : You bastard. You think everything is there for you to rip apart. You and your damn show! You don’t care who you take apart, who you destroy. Well destroy this!
The attacker ineptly beats Saul with the table leg. There’s no real strength to the blows and Saul has rolled into a foetal position. Soon the attacker throws the chair leg at him and runs off. Saul painfully gets up from the puddle.
SAUL: Fuck… another grateful fan, no doubt… my admiring fucking public.
Saul is in a lot of pain and staggers to the nearest house.The gate is wooden and lightly peeling. There’s no doorbell but a brass knocker in the shape of a gargoyle. Saul bangs it three times. The door opens on the third and a non-descript chap with shaggy hair, sullen eyes and glasses opens it. This is GRAHAM.
SAUL: …And here is the man you love to hate…
Saul takes a few steps inside as Graham closes the door behind him. Graham can see the state of Saul and just lets him in. Once the door closes Saul throws up on the carpet and slides down the wall in pain.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
INT. GRAHAM’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Saul is sitting on an old 1980’s style MFI sofa. The lounge has a homely, lived in look.Everything is retro without being kitsch; it is genuine. Graham is sitting opposite him but as Saul wakes Graham walks off into the kitchen to get him a cup of chamomile tea.
Saul continues to look around him: Bookcases full of well-read books of all shapes and sizes. The ceiling is artexed. There is a small coffee table in front of him with a book of Trevor Grimshaw prints. In the corner is a record player-cabinet with horn. The most beautiful music is coming from it and Saul sits up to listen.
GRAHAM (From kitchen): That’s Elgar’s Cello Concerto.
SAUL: Is that an original record player?
GRAHAM: Most of it. I updated it a little so it could play standard LP’s. Trying to get anything to play 78s is pretty nigh on impossible these days. It’s the shellac, modern needles damage them.
SAUL : 78s?
GRAHAM: The old gramophone records of the early 20th Century. So difficult to get these days anyways. Trying to get hold of anything… well, old, these days it is virtually impossible. There are still a few companies that use snail mail. I suppose most people would think of me as an old fogey!
SAUL (Mutters to himself): And the rest.
GRAHAM (Walks out, holding a tray with two cups of tea): Sorry, I didn’t quite get that.
SAUL: The music is beautiful. I don’t think I’ve heard anything like it before.
Graham places the tray on the table and hands Saul his cup. Graham looks surprised by Saul’s statement
GRAHAM: Really? This performance is particularly grand. Jacqueline de Pre is playing the cello.
Saul is still looking at Graham with bemusement.
GRAHAM: Oh! I’m so sorry. After all the excitement I’ve not introduced myself! I don’t get many visitors.
Saul manages to stop himself from saying anything derisory and instead shakes Graham’s outstretched hand.
GRAHAM: My name’s Graham. Graham Cleverly. Learned to accept the burden of the surname. Used to get bullied for it at school but I’ve got used to it.
SAUL: I can relate to that.
GRAHAM: Oh, why’s that then?
Saul is bemused and leans back into the comfy sofa.
SAUL: Do you not know who I am then?
GRAHAM: Sorry, old bean; should I?
SAUL: I’m quite famous… or should I say infamous.
GRAHAM: Ah, infamy. I once heard that fame was fickle like a woman. (chuckles) She has to be courted and wooed, brought gifts and seduced but she can turn on you in an instant! (GRAHAM snaps his fingers)
SAUL: I’ve not heard that before but it’s very apt! Well, my name is Kunt.
There is no reaction from Graham, not even from the actual word itself.
SAUL: Saul Kunt? Have you really not heard of me?
Graham shakes his head sheepishly.
SAUL: I’m rather big on tv; and even bigger online.
Graham shrugs again.
SAUL: On the internet. You know?
GRAHAM (Shakes his head): And therein lies the problem, old chap. I have neither a television or a computer!
Saul looks around him. He’s not noticed that before now and, there is no television; no computer. Just the record player and books.
SAUL (despite himself): Well, fuck me.
CUT TO:
INT. GRAHAM’S KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
It’s another day. Both Graham and Saul are wearing different clothes and for every piece of dialogue there is a change of day; a change of clothes, etc. Saul has finally found someone he can talk to.
GRAHAM (Mid-conversation): …burglars would take two minutes to check the place out and realise that there’s nothing worth stealing. There’s nothing modern that looks as if it’s worth anything, so why worry?
SAUL: Well, when you put it like that…
CUT TO:
INT. GRAHAM’S LOUNGE - AFTERNOON
SAUL: …still can’t get over the fact that you have no idea of who I am.
GRAHAM: What is it that Joe Masteroff wrote? “Leave your troubles outside! So—life is disappointing? Forget it! In here, life is beautiful!”
(SAUL Laughs)
GRAHAM: Ok, maybe not beautiful but you get my gist. I don’t care about who you are ‘outside’. That’s not you, anyway.
Saul rubs his chin and wonders.
CUT TO:
GRAHAM: Everything has become so trivial today, and I think that television is to blame for that.
SAUL (Saul laughs good-naturedly): You might have something there, Graham. You really might!
CUT TO:
INT. GRAHAM’S LOUNGE - NIGHT
Graham is unwrapping a present. It’s a portable CD player with a few classical music cd’s including a box set of Jacqueline de Pre.
SAUL: Happy Birthday, Graham.
Graham looks confused.
SAUL: It’s so you can carry your music around with you!
There’s now various electrical devices scattered on the shelves. A digital clock; a top of the line radio; electric lamps. No television though still. There is a barely discernible hum though.
GRAHAM: You really shouldn’t Saul. You buy me enough already and it’s really not necessary. We’re friends. It’s not as if I can repay you either.
SAUL: You don’t need to.
GRAHAM: And nor do you.
SAUL: I don’t think you understand, Graham. I can be myself here, with you. That’s a luxury I never knew I had until we met. I wish more people could know you as I do.
CUT TO:
INT. CORPORATE OFFICES - MORNING
Saul sits across a desk with his producer, CLive and researcher, Steph.
SAUL : I want to do something different with the next show.
CLIVE : Different is bad, Saul. You know that. This format works. Steph researches the guests, you rip them to shreds! Gold!
STEPH: And people line up to be on the show! Well, they’re put up to it most of the time…
SAUL: I'm not sure I want to do that any more. I’ve changed, Clive. I want to be like Michael Parkinson or Terry Wogan. Serious chat-show hosts.
STEPH: Who?
CUT TO:
INT. GRAHAM’S KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
Saul and Graham are sharing a cup of tea. Graham is using the eclectic kettle that Saul bought him. Graham is looking a bit disheveled.
SAUL: Are you still having trouble sleeping?
GRAHAM: It’s the electric clock you got me; the glow of the numbers takes a bit of getting used to… But what were you saying?
SAUL: I want to put you on my chat show. I want other people to get to know you as I do.
GRAHAM: And why do you want to do that? What’s wrong with what we’ve got now?
SAUL: No one else seems to understand. They see a change in me… because of you… your influence… and they just don’t get it. If more people knew you, then they might… get it.
GRAHAM: But?
SAUL: My producer wants to meet with you first. He’s a very skeptical man.
GRAHAM: Meeting you is fine, there is no pressure for me to be anyone else. I don’t think the same will be true when I’m out with your other friends.
SAUL: He’s my producer, not my friend.
CUT TO:
INT. A COFFEE SHOP - MORNING
Saul and Graham sit opposite Steph and Clive. Graham is uncomfortable. He’s wearing clothes that are out of date, but still smart. Saul is trying to encourage him to talk. Clive is quiet, rubbing right thumb against his fingers. Steph is trying not to laugh. Graham is unaware of how he sounds to them.
GRAHAM: It suits me fine though… not having a computer, I mean.. Life moves far too fast for me out there. I can’t keep up. There’s no getting to know each other, not really. Everything’s on show, everything’s for sale. Everything and everybody is commented on all the time and there’s no time to develop oneself. It’s all instant ego gratification and I refuse to live in that kind of world.
CUT TO:
Saul and Clive are paying the bill at the counter whilst Steph is talking to Graham. Clive nudges Saul.
CLIVE: I love it. It’s so calculated it’s fucking mean. Where’d you find him? This is going to be abso-fucking amazing.
SAUL (shocked): What? No! It’s genuine, Clive! He’s an amazing guy. I tell you, more people need to be like him.
CLIVE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. If this is it; if this is really a sting then it’s a green light. If you are being genuine then it’ll be the last thing you ever do.
CUT TO:
INT. SAUL’S FLAT - NIGHT
Saul is on the phone to Graham. Graham sounds faint and spaced out, he can’t get used to talking on the telephone. There’s also the sound of static on the line.
SAUL: You need to have the mouthpiece closer to you, Graham; bloody hell.
GRAHAM: I really don’t think this is a good idea. You sound more stressed now than what you did yesterday!
SAUL: You don’t understand show business. It’s like being a spy the whole time, like being in that book you lent me: Orwell’s 1984. I have to toe the company line and even though I’m quite an influential person on television I’m still living on a knife edge, trying to keep up a cover story. Everyone wants a piece of who they think you are and there’s not enough of the real me to go around any more. I’ve lost sight of who that is, actually. Which is why I’m grateful to have met you.
GRAHAM: There’s a lot of it about, then.
SAUL: What’s that then?
GRAHAM: People being daft.
SAUL: More than you know, Graham. More than you know. Anyway; you need an early night. It’s the big day tomorrow.
CUT TO:
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - NIGHT
The studio is packed. Graham is nervous, fidgeting. Saul is trying to look cool.
SAUL: Stop fidgeting, you’re making me nervous!
GRAHAM: Sorry. Maybe this was a bad idea.
The theme music starts and the crowd goes wild, clapping and jeering. But there is no fanfare this time; no voice over. The audience starts with their change of: “KUNT KUNT” but Saul motions for them to be quiet. The lights shine down on him as he stands up and walks to the front of his little set. Graham is not in the spotlight yet. He’s still in the shadows.
SAUL: (Speaking in his normal voice, albeit louder) People seem to think that it’s impossible for a man to change. Anyone can change if they’re given the chance, and luckily I was given that chance! I never realised that there was more to life than this. This chap here saved my life.(points to Graham and sits down next to him)
A few people get up out of their chairs and leave.
SAUL: In more ways than one… he didn’t do anything particularly heroic, but what he did was to open the door to a complete stranger and show him unconditional kindness. These last three months he’s continued to show me that same kindness as he’s opened his doors to me time and time again. He’s one of the most caring and thoughtful individuals that I’ve ever come across. (Graham blushes and fidgets some more) I’ve learnt things through Graham and believe that I’m becoming a better man. I sleep better and understand people more. He’s my friend and I want you all to meet him.
The spotlight shines on to Graham who puts his hand over his eyes briefly before remembering what Saul told him. A few more people get up and leave. Clive looks disgruntled and shakes his head in disbelief.
SAUL: True, Graham is a slice of yesteryear. But he is so refreshing and was quite an eye opener to me, I can tell you! I wouldn’t say that he’s out of touch with us today but in some ways he’s remembered things that we’ve forgotten. But he’d never seen a CD before I played him one, let alone heard of music downloads. He still has a record player, would you believe! What do you think of the difference though, Graham?
GRAHAM (Coughs):I still prefer vinyl. It has a much warmer sound. It’s more intimate.
There are a few chuckles of derision from the audience.
SAUL: It’s true; he does still prefer to listen to the records… and the bizarre thing is that he’s right! I started listening to some of his albums and they do sound so much richer and warmer. How can that be? Mind you, he didn’t even have a TV! Can you believe that! Why don’t you have a television set, Graham? You don’t even use the one that I bought you won’t even let me buy you one!
A few more people walk out with tuts and sighs.
GRAHAM (Really nervous and wooden): I don’t have any need for it…I read, listen to the records…
Saul has seen the people leaving now and is a little shaken by what is happening. He carries on though, trying to salvage the conversation.
SAUL: Funny enough, I don’t miss it either when I’m at your place. We talk most of the time and listen to music. You’re so knowledgeable as well, Graham. I could talk to you for hours! How so?
GRAHAM: Because I don’t watch TV?
CUT TO::
Clive, standing in the wing of the studio.
CLIVE (mutters to himself): That’s going to hurt the ratings.
CUT TO:
Saul is more nervous now. He’s seen Clive and Clive is making the sign of slitting his throat.
SAUL: Well… you certainly read more than many people. Most of the books must be from libraries, I guess? What do you think of the plan to shut down more libraries?
GRAHAM: Well.. I heard someone say that it was possible to determine the degree of civilisation by the way they treated their books. Our libraries are falling into disarray; they’re old, dusty buildings and the books are often in a really bad way.
There’s an audible sigh and groan from the audience. Clive has his head in his hands and more people are leaving.
GRAHAM: I don’t interact with people, as you.. ahem.. know. I just can’t. They live by the sound bite, short twittered attention spans, no depth to their lives. Books are an investment into one's soul, allowing the individuals to grow, but all I see are stunted people everywhere.
Saul sees more people leaving. Clive is about to storm the set and turn the lights off. Saul looks at Graham fidget, looks at the audience.
SAUL (in his stage voice): Talking of stunted people, tweetie pie! You’re the latest victim of THE KUNT!
There is now an audible gasp from the audience. Those that were in the process of leaving suddenly rush back to their seats. There’s a palpable round of applause and Clive is really surprised and delighted by this turn of events. Graham doesn’t know what to think, he just looks at Saul for confirmation of what’s happening. Saul will not look at him.
SAUL: Would you believe this guy? He doesn’t have a television. He didn’t have a microwave, until I gave him one. He didn’t even have a radio or an electric alarm clock until I gave him one. He still doesn’t have a girlfriend and I’m certainly not giving him one of those.
Saul is on a roll. He insults every aspect of Graham’s life and has never been so savage before. Graham just sits there and takes it.
FADE OUT:
FADE IN:
EXT. THE STREET OUTSIDE GRAHAM’S HOUSE - NIGHT
The night after the biggest show of Saul’s life. He’s reading the news on his mobile about how he engineered the biggest coup in internet and broadcasting history. He doesn’t look happy though. He comes to Graham’s house and stops. The gate is broken. There is a dustbin visible and inside are all the electrical items that Saul bought him, including the boxes. There are cords trailing outside, and the lid isn’t on properly so we can see a toaster, or the cd player… The windows have boards against them where someone has tried breaking them. The words “SPECCY TWAT” are spray-painted on the door. Saul ponders whether or not to knock on the door. He hears Jacqueline de Pre playing faintly from within. He then hears someone walking on the opposite side of the street to him.
PASSER-BY: (SHOUTS) Who loves you, Kunty baby?!
SAUL (SHOUTING BACK): Who hates to love you back?
Saul continues walking through the night-time streets.
FADE OUT:
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