Lie To Me

The holiday was supposed to save their marriage, and in a way it did. It was their last day and despite the Augustine promise England was still delivering on its cold, damp reality. Tea on the beach at Lulworth Cove, what could be better, but Brenda was already remonstrating Paul at the way he had ensconced himself atop a rocky outcrop, staring out to sea. 

“You’re always sulking.” She said as the wind was getting up, a chill now in the early evening air and the light slowly fading, but Paul seemed unaware to any of this. 

“Am not.” He mumbled back. This holiday had been Brenda’s idea and this time it felt like it could work, but only because they’d agreed on two principles: No arguing and leave the truth at home. The reality was harsh and unrelenting, and this was a last attempt at happiness.

For twenty years they’d managed to weather the storms and stay together whilst all those around them crumbled, became separated and then worse. Like the rock in front of her now, Brenda was resolute that, regardless of the tumultuous seas that threatened, she would stay with Paul.

“How old are you? And you’re still behaving like a child.” She tutted, trying to stay good natured despite wanting to push him off the rock. Instead, she clambered up, careful that the rock was still slippery, and sat by him. Her blue t-shirt and black shorts contrasted his yellow and white. She wasn’t comfortable and even Paul looked as if he was precariously perched, one foot wedged into the side of the rock below him and the other dangling. He seemed ready to leap off at a moment’s notice. She managed to sit in a semi-relaxed manner: one let outstretched on the rock with the other bent, offering her some much-needed support. They sat almost back-to-back, and it was quite comforting. “So, what’s wrong? Why are you in a huff?”

“I’m not in a… huff.” He replied, almost falling into the age-old trap. “I’m just thinking… and please don’t make any kind of remark.” Brenda stopped herself and just rested her head on his shoulder. “I’ve actually enjoyed this holiday…”

She nearly fell of the rock she was so astounded, when everything else had made it clear otherwise. Although he’d rigidly stuck to both conditions they’d set he was like a petulant child. He very rarely laughed or smiled, for that matter, but then that was normal for him.

“I just don’t understand you.” She responded, exasperated beyond herself. Brenda had enjoyed this week, despite everything. It had been a revelation: lying to Paul was like lying to herself and she understood now when people said: ‘fake it until you make it’. However, tomorrow was the last day, and she wasn’t sure whether this ‘cease-fire’ would last in the harsh reality.

“What’s to understand?” He replied. “I wonder if you’ve ever really tried to get to know me. You seem to expect that I have all the answers and can respond in an emotional way at the drop of a hat. I can barely acknowledge my own feelings let alone anyone else’s.”

“What a load of…”

“There you go. This isn’t the first time we’ve had this discussion. Normally its right before we argue. Either I haven’t responded the way you expect me to, or I respond in the wrong way. But either way you’ve never understood how difficult I’ve always found it.” Brenda had to concede this point; it wasn’t the first time Paul had broached this point, and it was then that she’d say he was just being difficult. But what if he was being honest and she hadn’t listened?

“Is that true?” She asked.

“I know we’ve said that we were going to lie to each other this week… but somehow, it’s because of that I’m able to be honest with you. Perhaps for the first time.” Even though he looked out to sea she could hear every word, and they were like barbed darts, hitting home 

every time. She looked out and noticed that even the sea was listening, coming in for a closer look.

“Does that mean you’ve lied to me in the past?” Brenda wasn’t sure whether she really wanted the answer. Things were slowly spiralling back to the reality she’d tried so hard to escape.

“Yes, but not in the way you think.” Paul paused. This was a line he swore he’d never cross. It was ridiculous that he was going to now… “Do you remember Jane?”

“That trollop? Why are you bringing her up now?” Brenda was incredulous. Part of her wanted to leap into the infringing sea.

“She never existed….” Paul didn’t need peripheral vision to know how Brenda was reacting. “Do you remember how it all started? You caught me buying a ring… or jewelry of some kind.”

“You know damn well what you were buying!” Brenda snapped.

Paul turned round to look at her, with an odd sheepish expression. “It was for you.”

“Pull the other one!”

“You wouldn’t listen to me then either. You already had it in your head that I was cheating on you, simply because I was sneaking around trying to get you that damn present.”

Brenda really didn’t know what to say. She could feel the waves starting to lap up against the rock below, but it didn’t register. Nothing made any sense. That happened over 7 years ago and at the time she thought she’d been so mature in forgiving Paul. Forgiving but never forgetting and making him pay… and now?

“I’ve got it with me now, y’know.” Paul continued. “I’ve always wanted to give you the damn thing but there’s never been the right moment. You never would have believed me for one thing…”  He held his hand out and there was a small blue velvet box in the palm. For a few seconds she couldn’t take it from him, her hand was shaking too much. When she finally opened the box she was shocked to see a small agate dragonfly.

“I just wanted to surprise you with it… it turned out to be a surprise but not the one I was expecting.” He explained.

“All these years.” She whispered under breath. What made it worse was she chastised him about it that Christmas. She’d even moaned that he never paid attention to her because he never bought her the dragonfly, even though she’d made such a fuss. “Why have you stayed with me when I’ve treated you so badly?”

“I’ve always wanted to treat you right, luv… but I’ve only ever been the clumsy oaf rather than the romantic hero you’ve pined after.” This wasn’t Paul being sarcastic but for the first time he was opening up to her, and it was breaking her heart. Could she have been this selfish?

“But why? I just don’t understand. I’ve been such a bitch to you, all these years.”

“I love you. It’s that simple. I’ve seen all that you’ve had to go through, your sisters being the apple of your parent’s eye, taking everything away from you. Your mum being the ultimate gorgon. I don’t honestly think you’ve ever had a break, luv….”

“Why now?” The water level was rising higher now as if the tide was rushing to meet them.

“Because I can see how things could have been if your mum had never been involved. I see you in that same way as when I first met you. I know I can’t get my words together; I’ve never been good at that… as you know.” He hung his head.

“Oh, Paul. How could I have been so blind? How can you not have hated me all these years?”

“It’s not you that I hate, luv… it’s your mum… She never looked after you, but in my own way I’ve always tried to do right by you.”

“And you have. I can see that now.”

“The irony is we’ve been lying to each other all the time.” Paul looked at her, kindness in his eyes. “Worse than that, we’ve been lying to ourselves.”

“When dad left it crucified mum and tore apart our family…” Brenda admitted. “I swore I’d never let the same thing happen to me.” 

“Is that why you never wanted children?” Paul asked and stretched out his hand which Brenda took, squeezed and let go.

“Yes. Can you imagine what kind of mother I’d have been?”

“Better than you can imagine. It probably would’ve given you the kick up the arse I never could.” Brenda smiled at that. “I doubt you would’ve repeated the same mistakes your mum made.

“No, I’d probably have made even worse ones.”

“Here’s a radical idea…” Paul exclaimed. “We’ve both admitted we’ve been lying to each other for years and making each other miserable.” Brenda laughed at that. 

“And to ourselves…” She chipped in.

“Yes.. so why not be truthful? We’ve lied to each other and been unkind in the process…”

“So let’s learn from our mistakes and be kind to each other in future?” Brenda agreed, as bizarre as it sounded this made perfect sense.

“And to ourselves… I think we need to be a lot more forgiving… and forget about the past.” Brenda nodded and laid her back on Paul’s shoulder. Paul leaned into her more. “We need to stop being an island to ourselves, luv.”

“Oh… that’s a point. Look! We’ve been so busy bloody talking we’ve totally lost track of the time.” They looked around them, the beach had now been swamped by the swelling sea. “What are we going to do, Paul? I can’t swim!”

“I think it’s too deep now to carry you on my back… and it’d be pretty precarious getting both of us back to dry land.”

“Save yourself, Paul… You could probably make it on your own.”

“I’m not leaving you, if that’s what you think.” Paul looked around and saw that there was no way off the rock for the both of them.

“But what other way is there? Do you think we’re going to be safe where we are?” The water nipped at her toes, and she pulled her leg in closer to her. She could feel Paul trying not to panic.

“Do you want the truth?” He asked.

“No…. lie to me.” Brenda responded with a desperate chuckle.

“Then we’re screwed….”