Second chance for the last supper

So, Jesus Christ comes back for another look at the world (this is a work of fiction, after all) and he visits this “Spiritual Festival” called Cosmic Ascension through Sacred Healing; Chakra realignment through Orgasm Weekend. Always game for a laugh, he wanted to see what he’d been missing for the last 2000 years.

The hall in which the event was taking place was so full, with hundreds of stalls and thousands of people all flip-flopping between garishly coloured, odd smelling stalls. Initially Christ thought he’d stumbled into a fancy dress party or Comic-con, but realised that it was just everyone trying to get into the whole “new age spirit” (besides, Comic-con was the week after.) Smiling to himself he walked around the stalls in a deliberate anti-clockwise direction, wandering whether anyone would actually recognise him. This was what he saw:

“Connect with wild animals!” Daniel Muppet had created a way to get in touch with your power animal. He offered one-way guided tours round the best Safari parks; there he would encourage you to get out of the car and meditate with whatever wild animals you felt drawn towards. Payment was up front, in cash.

Bob the Tramp taught people how to live with poverty but no one paid him a visit, despite calling himself a lifestyle retreat consultant.

Nicholas Tickler had developed the latest in Grope Therapy to fight back in the age of gender neutrality and “PC gone mad”. He believed in the power of the grope, which he traced back to Excalibur; the potency of the phallic symbol. Why, even Merlin himself enjoyed drinking from the furry cup!” Jesus walked swiftly on.

The next stall was odd, even for the new age. Simply calling itself “Channelling Erik” there was a woman sitting on a chair just mumbling to herself with a crowd of people craning their ears trying to discern the hidden message.  “…and if you put the kettle on, remember to flick the switch first otherwise you’ll be waiting a long time and it will never boil. Clean behind the cheese dish and don’t count all your blessings until they’ve hatched.” Whilst it was more than a little random, Jesus did think that Erik talked more sense than Nicholas Tickler!

Up ahead was a small shop which sold books. There was one in particular which was called “More than meets the Eyebrow”, detailing the different eyebrow types and what it said about the individuals personality. He looked in the mirror and read his description: “You’ll never amount to anything all the time you fall ‘neath your father’s shadow”. There was a poster by the book that said: “Mole of the month”; he quickly had to move to the next stall because he was laughing too much.

There was another poster advertising a psychic hotline which he rang on a whim, for it declared: “Ring me & I’ll tell you why.” The woman on the other end of the phone just said, “Boy, are you gullible!” and hung up.

Further along he was surprised to see a Christian! Surely an oxymoron in such an establishment; Christ felt sorry for him as there was no one visiting so he sat down and talked a while. “Do you feel as if you’ve been punished for others sins?” Jesus nodded. “Something tells me that you have been taking other peoples burdens on your back. It could even be said that you’re bearing someone else’s cross.” That kept Christ laughing for ages!

Next Edward Cuntney was a Medium Extraordinaire who downloaded the Lords and Ladies of Shamballa, the Ascended Masters, The Great White Brotherhood and Sir Bedievere.  He believed in past-life regression and people paid for the number of past lives uncovered. The only drawback was that after hypnosis no one remembered what was said and they relied on his ability as raconteur; but he didn’t lack repeat clients!

Christ was amazed and saddened by the sheer gullibility of the people around him. He never realised that personal trials and blockages were being transformed by the 55 rays of light from the Archangels, and that listening to a series of cd’s would help unlock the 24 strand DNA activation and help with the emotional cord actualising.

Nor did he know that Fadren Fool had discovered the Final Ascension codes through the modalities of sound healing; he had worked with the Bhalanese Diamond of Shamballah and managed to open the next paradigm of Reality. For 12-months subscription it could be yours!

And just as Sascha Choker approached human potential from the inside out, Gulliver Bull could teach you to become an ascended master.

Jesus was intrigued by Rachel Spicer and asked how she came up with her Light Matrix Energy Intensifier. “I was, like, in a coma for 5 weeks? I underwent a soul braid and a complete rewiring of my psychical and energetic systems!”

“Wow,” Jesus replied. “That must have been painful.”

“No… it was transplendant!”

“Of course it was. So why did this happen to you?”

“So I could assist the Earth and humanity in its shift of consciousness. I work with the quantum field of light and sound, unlocking the multi-dimensional cellular codes of light.”

“So it helps the world?”

“Yes.”

“But, being quantum, only on a teenie-tiny level…”

Next Greg Cheeseman taught Matrix Chiropractic Energetix which blended science and art using the technology of transformation… and feet.

Moving swiftly on Christ realised that he’d reached his limit when even the Manson family had a stall preaching the gospel of the fairground ride and “Hailing the Charlie”. That was the last straw. It was hard to believe but things had actually gotten worse since Christ has last incarnated! He looked up to heaven and said: “Forgive them, Father, they really do not know any better!” And then disappeared… maybe he’d wait another 2000 years before trying again.