It wasn’t love at first sight that bonded Dennis and Maud together; rather a shared neuroses and a love of complaining about other people. It wasn’t that they were perfect (far from it) but it was far easier to find fault with others than to cast that same critical eye over themselves. Easier? Less painful then… In their eyes, they worked in a den of iniquity, heathens; dirty tramps; and uncool, uncoordinated, bland troglodytes.
They discovered their shared hell by accident during a ‘corporate signposting’ event. “Show me the way to the door!” Maud had whispered out loud, to which Dennis whispered in reply:
“Or to the nearest pub..”
Something clicked; a synaptic gap between them, which was. up until that time insurmountable, suddenly bridged. They looked into each other’s eyes for less than two seconds; but it was enough to know that, yes, there was someone else that shared their penchant for misery.
Maud was deeply religious. To her the Virgin Mary was her ultimate: unsullied, clean; untouched by human hand. Maud would spend her whole life as close to attaining that perfection as possible, living as germ-free as she could. This was her way of reconciling a severe case of PTSD and OCD.
Dennis had his own form of OCD, though he’d never admit to it… he was fastidious to a fault but on a much more superficial level. He was ‘conscious of cool’… everything he wore, carried had to be 'on-trend' and totally hip. This took a great deal of time, effort and mental strain. No decision was taken by chance; so aware was he of the ramifications. As a child he had been horrified by the ‘butterfly effect’ and worried constantly about how his smallest decision could very easily roller-coaster out of control. So many wasted nights, worrying about ‘what-if’ scenarios; countless hours of procrastination the end result. His attempts at ensuring following the latest micro-trends were his way of controlling his life in a more meaningful (vacuous) way.
The fact that he was also emotionally and mentally insecure meant that they were a ‘perfect’ match…
After the corporate ‘pep talk’ they met several times at lunch, never making eye contact and always at certain designated eating places that were awarded only the highest hygiene ratings, and were impeccably trendy. There was no way Maud would endanger herself thusly; it wasn’t that she had any allergies but she was totally paranoid about the way the food had been prepared. (She always took her own cutlery, for example, and enough anti-bacterial wipes to cope with whatever disaster might arise.) One might wonder why she bothered eating out at all, but Maud insisted that she would not become a prisoner to her own neurosis!
The 'friendship' grew over time and several meals passed; not on mutual attraction but the dawning realisation that they were perhaps the only two sane people left in an insane world. Neither of them had spent much time alone together but it was Dennis that suggested they go away for a long weekend.
Out of the two of them, Dennis was the most promiscuous–his inability to make decisions was unhindered on this level; his prick having the first and final say on the matter. To be fair, his careful attention to every facet of his physical appearance did have a positive effect over the women around him, which he took full advantage of. His fastidiousness was such that he even took great care over how he smelt; and to certain women he was irresistible. Maud found his stench cloying at times but learnt to mask it with the smell of dettol.
Maud was by no means a prude, although she prided herself on her immaculate image. She still had.. needs and longed to be held. Her parents had been heavily religious and believed in the ‘spare the rod’ adage and invented many punishments, making her life hell. One mustn’t think that Maud was an overly naughty child, rather it was her parents that saw sin everywhere; and such sins were considered ‘dirty’.
When her parents died in a car crash she was 24 and felt both liberated and devastated. No longer did she have to suffer this oppressive regime, but, on the other hand, theirs was the only world view she’d ever known. It was then that her OCD started –according to her parents, everything she did was sinful, therefore dirty; so it became a necessity to make amends, constantly living as cleanly as possible –hence the immaculate conception of herself.
With Dennis she saw a way out; she knew his reputation, as she was also a hive of gossip. Just because she loathed the other people around her didn’t mean she couldn’t use them for her own ends. She hoped that he would find her attractive (which he did) and would want to bed her (which he did). For his part, Dennis hoped that she care enough to see beneath his immaculately crafted façade (which she didn’t).
Maud didn’t relish the idea of spending her time in a hotel or B&B; she knew that she wouldn’t be comfortable living under someone else’s cleaning regime –she’d only spend most of the time cleaning it herself. Dennis thought she was joking at this and had initially believed that OCD had stood for obsessed with cleaning disorder. (Dennis wasn’t the brightest match in the box which is one of the reasons why he preferred one-night stands. He had hoped that Maud was on equal terms with his superficiality, but he hadn’t reckoned on the true extent.)
They agreed that they would take the caravan that Maud had bought with her inheritance money. She had never actually used it in the three years since she bought it, but she had cleaned it, without fail, every week –it still had the plastic covers on all the seats. She hadn’t gotten the nerve up to actually drive it anywhere though. It took a lot of insisting on Dennis’s part to finally use it –but she eventually agreed that it was actually the only viable option open to them.
So.. on Saturday 14th they took their caravan on an ill-fated journey –neither of them wanting to travel on the fated day after.. and neither of them had ever driven such a vehicle –Dennis normally drove a mini, so to even contemplate such a behemoth was way out of his comfort zone. Maud wasn’t the most confident driver at the best of times and had visions of crashing, so that was out. To make matters worse, she didn’t relish the idea of Dennis’s grubby hands soiling her virgin steering wheel, but they eventually agreed that Dennis would drive, but only if he wore gloves.
“You’re kidding, right?” he asked.. but, no; she wasn’t. It was touch and go whether the van would actually start, as it had been sitting there, unused for so long. Dennis also found it very difficult driving whilst sitting on the plastic seat-wrap, but on that Maud was immovable (as she was on everything).
They left off quite late in the afternoon but barely travelled more than twenty miles before the van sputtered, shook and then died on them. Years of misuse had stacked up against them; Dennis barely made it into an off-road car park. They were at least four miles away from the nearest town, and were situated on the banks of a river. The car park itself was muddy and quite treacherous, Dennis slipped and fell a couple of times, muddying himself up in the process trying to look at the engine.
“You’re not coming in here like that.” Maud scolded as he attempted to climb back in.
“Jesus!! You’re kidding, right?.” The look from her made it clear that kidding was not in her vocabulary.
“What am I going to do then?”
“That’s up to you. You should have thought of that before you left.”
“I left to check the engine!”
“And what did you accomplish?”
“It’s better than what you did…”
“That remains to be seen..”
“Look I don’t want to argue out here; it looks like it’s going to rain in a minute, and I’m muddy enough. Look –if you pass me a couple of those plastic sacks I can put the muddy clothes in them. Would that be acceptable?”
“Only if you leave your shoes outside.”
“But it’s going to rain!” But Maud had already gone to the front of the campervan to dust. Outside the clouds billowed; the wind blew and it started to rain; Dennis’s shoes were going to get very wet indeed.
That evening, cold and hungry (as Maud hadn’t planned on actually eating inside the campervan because of the smells lingering) they just sat opposite each other. Dennis had taken over half an hour to decide on a new outfit, and outside the rain was falling heavier by the minute.
“Just pick one, Goddammit!” Maud shouted; how long did it take to choose what clothes you wanted to wear…
“You can’t rush these things, my dear.” Dennis replied. This was the first time anyone had called Maud ‘Dear’ and had he been there then he would have realised just how little she appreciated it. It was gradual, just a minute tick in her left eye but from there it would soon spread. It had begun.
Dennis was oblivious to this when he sat opposite her; foremost on his mind was when he was going to make his move. He was sure that he’d been brought on this little charabanc for one reason only (and he was right in that respect) and he was trying to figure out the best time to pounce.
To be honest, he was less sure now sitting opposite her then he was when he first met her. She had a habit of meeting his gaze fixedly, unblinking. Every so often he noticed the flutter in her left eye as it became more pronounced. As it was now he didn’t rate his chances.
‘Why won’t he make a damn move? Maud kept asking herself. ‘Why isn’t he taking the initiative? Why isn’t he trying it on?’ She felt the vein in her eye start to throb and kept blinking to try and stabilise it. More minutes ticked by and she felt her teeth grinding with the frustration. The rain started pounding on the roof now and she drummed her fingers in time on the table.
“Make the damn move, won’t you?!” She shouted. “Why do you think I’m just sitting here?”
Dennis sat bolt upright, all thought of seduction and playing the ancient game out the window. He was now face to face with Maud’s wrath and he had no idea what to do next.
It was raining heavily now, as it had done all that week. They couldn’t have picked a worse place to break down; the water level of the river was getting dangerously high, just like Maud’s blood pressure.
Dennis sat down nervously next to Maud who stiffened up immediately. It didn’t matter how much she thought she wanted it, her body said otherwise. He put his hand tentatively on her leg and she slapped him.
“What the hell?”
“I’m sorry! You took me off guard; I’ve never done this kind of thing before.”
He moved in closer to her only for her to shuffle back. Unperturbed he pushed closer and lent in for a kiss. The slap was much harder now and he inadvertently bit his tongue.
“What the?!”
“I’m sorry! Really…. I do want this, but you just need to be patient with me.”
“Patient?”
“Would it help if we just got undressed and went straight into it?”
“Yeah; right – I need to be a bit more aroused before that, you know?”
“What can I do about that?”
“Seriously??”
“You want me to touch it!” The disgust was palpable, she actually pushed herself back.
“What else you going to do? Suck it?” Maud’s reaction made it obvious that was never going to happen.
“Let’s try it again… just try not to hit me this time.” Maud did her best… Dennis placed his hand on her thigh, leaned in and even managed to kiss her. He noticed her trembling as she put her hand on his shoulder, but when he ventured to slide his tongue inside she screamed, biting down. Then she slapped him.
“Right! That’s it! I can’t do this shit any more. You’re crazy – just crazy!” He pushed himself off the seat and away from her.
“I can’t help it!”
“Right; can’t help it.. well, I’m not going to try again… I’m going for a dump.” He started towards the toilet.
“I don’t think so… you’re not going in here. This is my caravan. You can sleep here, in the front, but you are not.. I repeat, are not going to the toilet in here.”
Dennis knew not to push her; she had already slapped him hard for just touching her, despite her apparently wanting it. He dreaded to think what would happen if he tried to push her on this of all things. He put on his wet weather gear, found a spare roll of toilet paper and went outside.
Maud remained seated; her fingers drumming on the table top. The flickerings in her eye had subsided but she was confused over what she was feeling. She had been so sure that she wanted Dennis but his touch was so repulsive it made her skin crawl just thinking about it. What was happening? There was only one thing to do… clean.
So immersed was she that Maud never realised how much time had passed, she was almost happy having cleaned the toilet and had now moved into the kitchen area. She had taken everything out of the cutlery drawer to polish. She hadn’t even noticed that Dennis hadn’t returned….
..Until the door suddenly slammed open and a very muddy, very dishevelled, drenched and thoroughly pissed off Dennis staggered into the van. The sense of disgust at this sight was overtaken by the sheer absurdity of the situation.
“What the hell happened to you?” She asked, flabbergasted.
“Hell is right… all because of you and your pristine toilet. You wouldn’t believe what I’ve gone through.. The weather’s got so much worse since I was last out there; the rain hasn’t stopped and the ground was like a quagmire. I must’ve slipped and fallen arse over tit at least half a dozen times before I found a place that was safe to take a crap. But what I didn’t count on was the river bursting its banks like that. How I wasn’t swept away for good I don’t know.. but it happened when I was mid-shit as well, just to add insult to injury. I’ve no idea how far I was carried before I managed to grasp onto one of the trees that were overhanging. It’s taken me this long to get back..”
“I hadn’t even realise how long you’ve been gone.”
“That’s charming…”
“Just what do you think you look like?” Despite herself, despite the mess that Dennis had become and despite the floodwaters that were now seeping into the caravan Maud started to laugh, and she laughed hard. So hard that she had to steady herself on the unit where she’d just set out all the cutlery. Consequently she didn’t see Dennis lumber up to her, his muddied shoes squelching on the sodden lino.
Ordinarily Dennis considered himself a calm man, certainly not prone to bouts of temper. His endless procrastination had led him to feel he was the soul of patience and cool. In actuality it made him lightening quick to anger; liable to blow at the wrong set of circumstances… all of which had happened in rapid succession over the last couple of hours.
Maud never saw the slap; just felt it as an explosion of pain across the bridge of her nose; felt her head snap back against the kitchen cupboard and then felt nothing else. She fell, twisting violently through the force of the blow, the cutlery clattering around her.
Pushed over the brink Dennis was past the point of no return. He’d had enough; she had humiliated him, dragged him through the shit and no more –she was going to get what was coming to her. Maud was still unconscious from his punch and wasn’t aware of anything until she felt the force of his first thrust.
She screamed, raked at him with her nails but nothing she did stopped him; just spurred him on. Splaying about on the floor she found one of the knives that had once lived in its own compartmentalised drawer.
She was in a frenzy, the knife digging deep into this back, his side, at his face when he hollered in pain; kept striking at him when he fell away, trying to push at her, kick her away but now she was the one possessed. She managed to straddle him, pinning his arms and then there was nothing to stop her. By now she was covered; the once pristine Maud now debased in blood, mud and shit as the waters around her converged.
No comments:
Post a Comment